It's Thursday night, an hour before midnight. There is a full moon out tonight. The back yard is all lit up from it. Things have been good lately, despite my negative mood at times. Over indulgence will do that ya know.. Work has been good.. progressing better than expected. I look back at two months ago and wonder what i was thinking when the escapism was taking hold. Today was a good day though. The instructor for next week is very knowledgable and seems like a decent human being. One thing i've noticed about this company is the number of people in their late 30s - early 40s that are in leadership positions. It gives me hope that if the "master plan" fails... then i have a chance to grow within the company... and rather quickly at that. I am not yet sure what shift i am going to be on.. however i am hoping for second... 15% pay increase as a result... 25% if I'm on third but i don't know if i could hack not seeing daylight while I'm working. Tonight... i decided to go out. I went to Nicks in Providence and hung out there for a couple of beers.. I saw some of the usual suspects while i was there and had a good laugh too. I left there around 9.. and went to my cousins bar for wings and fries... i didn't drink at my cousins bar though. I caught a little of the olympics... and a little of the Pats game... but once i finished eating i bounced and came home. that was about an hour ago. Right now... i am trying... to relax. My neck and shoulders have been killing me for a few days now. I don't know if its because i could use new pillows... or if its from pent up stress. I'm thinking it might be both. So... i'll probably go buy pillows to at least fix that problem. I took my pills when i got home... but they haven't kicked in yet... hence why I'm writing this.
Part of me is stuck in the past... dealing with shit that i can't change no matter how much i want to. Another part of me is in the future... thinking of what life will be like 6 months, a year, and 5 years from now... and a small part is here in the present... realizing that i won't get to my 6 month, 1 year, 5 year goals... if i stay stuck in the past. I think the thing that anchor's me to the past the most... is smoking. It's really been my identity since the day i turned 18... and if i am to move forward in life then i need to quit. Focus on better things... and get on with my life. Past hurts should be a lesson... because if they are not then they are just taking away from that happiness of the present and the possibilities of the future. With that said... like an idiot... i put a patch on a short while ago and threw away my smokes... i know that wearing a patch throughout the night is a bad idea... i just... i want to change... i want the change to be immediate and permanent. I don't know if i am going to sleep tonight. Usually *on times when i try to quit late at night* sleep is very scarce... it doesn't last long when it does come and the dreams i end up having as a result are extremely vivid and more so than anything else they bother mentally.
Lately the hallucinations have been kicking in... which just reminds me that i need to relax. They aren't visual... just auditory... as they have been for most of the last few years. I haven't had a visual hallucination in quite a number of years and for that i am thankful... but sometimes it's rough because i can't tell whether what I'm hearing is real or not. In this instance i know its not real... because the situations in which they are happening don't warrant what i am hearing... but it doesn't mean they are any less troublesome. I know it's being brought on by stress... and some would say that quitting smoking will just induce more stress... but i need to find an outlet for my stress rather than letting it consume me and relying on a cancer stick to take it away... Cowboy killers have been my staple since i was about 21 and 85% of the nights... since about 2011 have been met with coughing fits, trouble breathing... and shallow breathes.... its not something i wish to continue. While a change in my public image will be interesting... i am curious to see how to turns out... As i would like to think... its the "next great challenge" and with a change in jobs this summer... quitting smoking before the end of the summer would really mean that not only did my situation change... but i changed as well.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
It's dress down day tomorrow at work... so i figure i will be at least comfortable throughout the day. There is "food truck fridays" which is cool... i haven't been there yet but tomorrow i will because it's wings and it's pretty hard to fuck up wings. I think when i get done writing this... i will pack a bag for tomorrow. I want to go to the gym after work - on my way home... and i've been saying for about 2 weeks now that i want to start going to the gym after work... Really the only thing stopping me is being lazy... When i get out of work... the brain is shot but the body could go for miles... also... becoming a little more active would be helpful at this time because i am getting very little movement during the day. i know an hour on the treadmill won't make up for the they 8 hours I'm stuck in a chair... but it's better than 8 hours in a chair then coming home and spending another 3 hours in a chair before going to bed. once i get my shift assigned... i'll be able to "change" my life for the better.
Once i have my shift... i'll 1.) know how much my monthly salary is.... 2.) know what my free time is going to be. 3.) be able to plan things around my schedule i.e doctors appointments, auto maintenance, gym time, and second income time. I've been going back and fourth on whether or not i am going to move back in with my parents... At this point its a "pro vs con" sort of thing... i know last year at this time i was itching to get out of my parents house and circumstances made is so that i could do that... but if i end up working 3rd shift i don't know if i could handle that while living here. On the opposite side... if i end up working second shift it might be exactly what i need to regain a sense of self... four-five days a week i'll end up not seeing my roommate mainly because i'd be waking up after he leaves for work and i would be leaving for work before he gets home from work. The four day a week schedule seemed nice at first because i would have two week days off in order to do the things that need to be done during the day... but on the other hand... will the two days a week off be enough to counteract the "wake up... go to work... get home.. go to sleep" routine. At this point I'm really not sure. Time will tell and at this point i guess I'm just well.. guessing about how the future will be... For all i know this could be the best thing that ever happens to me... even better than the "big win" back at the end of march. One thing that i've learned from the new job is that as a company... they work on one thing at a time... and they do that very well to become a very successful company. If i take the same thinking... and work on one major area of my life at a time... try to fix... one habit at a time... then in time the changes will be apparent and things will in fact be much better as a result.. Today... its smoking... and if i can stick it out for the 2-3 weeks to "break the habit" then in a few months... smoking will be a distant memory... i think its the habit that keeps me doing it... and the occasional stress reliever.... but... on a normal commute to work in the morning.. I'm definitely not stressed... but i'll still smoke 3 cigarettes.. like clock work.
i should probably end this because I'm rambling and its getting late...
write more later
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