Sober August....

So... I am going sober for the month of August. This... really is something that's going to happen. It's 10:10... sunday, july 31st. I am basically going to burn the rest of the bridges... and move on in my life. Things haven't been good this past month... There was a problem that reemerged that i am not around of... I took steps today to rectify the problem... but that doesn't undo the damage it did. I assume full accountability for where i am tonight... and playing the victim was always something i was good at but i didn't really understand how much negative thinking and pointing fingers was really causing my situation to get worse... Really.. i am to blame. My choices and my actions put me in the situation that i am in now and the only person that can pull me out of it is me. There is no point in attempting to "fix" things by some magic number that may or may not exist and fix all of my financial problems... leading me to bigger and better things. The honest truth is that the bigger and better things are already here... and if i don't value the experiences that i'm having now that it's not worth continuing. I went to a bar and saw a friend and had a "last beer" with her... now... I'm finishing off the last two smokes i have in my pack. I don't know what the future holds... but its better than wishing i could change the past. So at this point i am taking back control... getting in the "healthy" habits that i want to form.. and i am taking advantage of a situation that will be fruitful if i apply myself properly. There are many excuses and things i've said over the last several years for why i am in the situation i am in and honestly... they were just excuses. I think i know why i've gone down this path and i know that i can fix things if i really want to.. i just have to put in the hard work and dedication...

wasting time feeling sorry for myself.. or telling myself the "taboo" sentence that for a brief sentence seems like it would "solve my problems" and end the cycle itself.... has only brought me down. A small part of someone dies every time they think about suicide... and honestly... its one of the hardest feelings to shake once i get on that frame of thinking. It's a silent struggle really... many people out there deal with it... they just don't talk about it. With that said... i need to end the habit of self destruction.. and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose. The people i've met over the last several years have taught me a thing or two of life... and the people that left my life.. did it because i was on the wrong path... i don't blame them... and the obsessive mind often thinks about them.. but i know that if i ever want to see any of them again... i need to care for myself first.. and if they are meant to come back into my life... they will... in their own perfect time.

Tonight is probably going to be a long night... i'm kinda at the cut off point for taking my pills... which means insomnia... tossing and turning all night... with extremely vivid dreams... i probably won't fall asleep until 4 or 5... even though i'd rather fall asleep by 11... then... when the alarm goes off at 6... i'll be wide awake and wondering why the hell i did this to myself (again). Such is life though...


Tomorrow... when i do finally get out of bed... I'm going to shower, shave, brush my teeth, use mouthwash, whiten my teeth, and then throw on a nicotine patch... Then... i will get dressed... eat breakfast... and head into work... At work i'll learn very interesting and technical concepts that i'm aware of but don't have a full understanding of... and then when i leave work... i'll drive home, Cook dinner, and work out for an hour... then i'll study the exam materials for another couple of hours... then go to bed... and basically repeat the pattern all week... until friday night... when the pattern will break for the weekend... and I'll be doing a new "weekend habit" and in four weeks.. the habits will have formed into a routine... and that routine... will run my life for the next 6 months.. until winter is in full swing... and i'm really in a good spot physically... emotionally... and financially.. Then taxes will be due... and i'll have to start back at zero financially... and i will rebuild better than i had been previously... In May i'll take a vacation... and again in august..  At some point i'll be moving... and that will shake things up for a couple of weeks... but it will just help to ingrain the habits even more... until someday soon... i have a new keystone habit... and it will be the foundation for the rest of my life.

Week Three.... My Passion of Information Technology is returning....

So.. it's basically the end of week three. Tomorrow is friday, and due to the policy at the company... i fully plan on wearing jeans to work tomorrow... with a button down shirt and some dress shoes of course.

Seriously though... my Passion for computers... and IT has returned... I've wanted to learn more and more about technologies i was unaware of as the week went on. It's interesting... because up until a month ago i wanted out of the IT field all together. Something changed this week though. I guess working with Networking techology reignited a passion that i thought was long since gone. Working hands on with the equipment has been very educational and also kinda fun. Learning some of the things that i never knew before and no one had really taken the time to teach me. I mean... you can tell me "do this" but if you dont tell me why... what purpose... or how it affects everything... i really wont take much of an interest. Honestly though... this week has been inspiring... the trainer, if he's any represenation of the people i will be working with... makes me hopeful that once i get out of training i'll be able to make some good friendships with the people within the company.

Tentatively... tomorrow is pay day. Hopefully my direct deposit should have been put through so by this time tomorrow... i'll actually have cash in hand. My first "full" paycheck since mid june... I highly recommend that if anyone decides to take a month off... have more than 5k in the bank because without an income things get hard really quick. With that said though... i have a plan on how i am going to rebuild my savings... and i feel that sometime within the next six months i'll be back to where i was around may time frame.

I am actually interested in networking... which is a shock because when i was at my old company networking seemed "too hard" from the way my boss made it seem. And without having an environment that encouraged learning... i never saw the value in learning anything new. Over the next couple of months i am going to be building a home lab. Basically i am going to buy a couple of network switches... a network router... and a couple of servers so that i can experiment and learn in my downtime... it'd be much more fun to boot up a VM and screw around with it while drinking a beer... than... say... hitting on a bar tender and paying almost triple for the same beer.

I am not yet sure what i am doing tomorrow night or the rest of the weekend for that matter....  I know that Saturday morning i have to take my car in for service... it's long overdue at this point. Sunday i am dedicating to studying... Tomorrow night i have nothing really planned although i shouldnt go overboard because i have to be up early on saturday. I may "uber" tomorrow night for a bit... i know my buddy is playing a show from 9-12 so i may stop in there towards the end of the night to catch the end of the show... I figure if i am out the door by say... 8... that would give me three hours to make some cash with uber... and then an hour to get to the show and catch the last set. Figure leave there by midnight... then head home and sleep. Sounds like a good plan... of course that could change quick on the off chance that one of my other friends wants to hang out... (i.e. my roommate - who likely wont, or my female friend (who also likely wont))... So... yeah... i guess i'm ubering tomorrow evening then catching the end of my buddies set. I dont know how long i'll be tied up waiting for my car to finish... but im scheduled to go there around 10 so hopefully it wont be more than a couple of hours... i am going to load my exam prep books onto my tablet so that i can read them while i am waiting.. Saturday afternoon i am not yet sure what i am doing but i told my uncle that i would see him sometime this weekend so i may stop down in the afternoon for a couple of hours... then from there i'll have a free saturday night. I may check to see what bands are going on in the area because if there is anything good that i am familar with it would be good to get out and actually see people i know outside of the usual cast of characters.

My roommate is on a date tonight so i am just relaxing at home... listening to BPM radio. I have a load of laundry in the wash which i think just finished... I made shaved steak for dinner so i am full from that. I recent bought a stand up punching bag and i hit that for about 15 minutes after dinner... now im here writing this.... That's all i guess.

The Easy Weeks...

So... its two weeks into training. I have roughly another 5 weeks of training to go... These past two weeks were technically the easy weeks... Last week was "On Boarding." I'll let you take that for whatever you want. This week was professional week. I've learned a lot in the last two weeks about being a good person in general and was given a decent... clear... path for advancement within the company. But... at this point it's really determinate on the next five weeks as to how things are really going to turn out. I have two foundations classes... each two weeks a piece and then a 1 week boot camp. These are probably going to be some of the toughest weeks of my life in terms of educational and professional development. It's basically like cramming a 1.5 year college course... into about an 80, and 80, and a 40 hour week.

I am optimistic though.

I figure if i really try... and truly set my mind to the stone and get the shit done... i'll be a million times better off as a result. I just wonder what life is going to be like in a year... and i guess i haven't been at that point in a while... but it's both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I am hoping that some of the things i have learned over the last two weeks can help motivate me and steer me toward where i truly want to go... and point me down the path toward long term and lasting success.

It all really starts Monday.

Tomorrow... i have several things planned that weren't neccesarily on the radar recently. An event that i know normally happens in the summer is happening tomorrow. It's a mid day thing so it shouldn't be too bad but seeing as it's nearly 2am... i have a feeling it's going to be a late start in the morning. Then... tomorrow night... i want to/should/hopefully can go to a concert in a neighboring town. A friend of mine is playing on Sunday during the day and has passes to both days. I do not yet know how late i am going to be staying on saturday... i just know that mid day sunday i have to be back there to see my friends band. Then... in the afternoon sunday... it really is building on what i already know, what i've recently read... and just doing my absolute best for the following 6-12 months... and even when 6-12 months is up... i have to continue to try and move further into my "deep knowledge" and pull this one higher up than it's been yet. "All things that go up, must come down.... unless you reach orbit, then all bets are off." -AT. I know that... considering where i was just a few short months ago... Things... change RAPIDLY... and anything is possible in an infinite universe.. Both trying to use the past to justify belief in an event that "could" happen in the future... is a rather stupid waste of time. The goal... the key... is to watch the tape backwards... look at the destination first and then move further back to the present before the journey's started. At this point... i am seeing the potential for quick advancement.... respect from my peers... and the possibility for changing my life in such a way, that in the next... 5 to 10 years... i could truly be "where" i want to be.... Doing the things that i 'want" to do... whatever that may be... i am not sure. But... i know... with so "few" hours in the day... and an endless waste of time being brought on by certain media platforms... it is hard for me to see anything more than a few minutes in front of me. I feel that i need to abandon 100% of all social media platforms in order to reduce the number of distractions from my life.... You see people that you "may" have known for one or two nights and then never think of again... Or others posting photos of their wives and kids... makes you feel like shit because you have no one of your own.... [(Was it something i did? or is the world just not ready for me?) Depends on who you talk toooooo!)] I really don't know what i want... the whole "Wife, two kids, a dog and a yard" clique that i've been spouting on about for the last 10 years is getting really old.... I mean... why do i even need a wife and two kids and a dog.... why not... say... a position in the one world government in 30 years... Maybe i do want to change the world... Idk...

(((Aside from that random rant....)))

All kidding aside... it's gonna be an epic 6 weeks... and i just hope i make it through it without any major emotional scars.... things are gonna be tough.

BPK

It's almost midnight... the new job starts on Monday... and i gotta go shopping tomorrow for some clothes. Overall it's has been an enjoyable few weeks on vacation. In the last week i started driving, decided to take up photography, and a side business based on the new hobby. There's an app out there where you can sell your photos. I bought a nice camera... and have taken some photo's already. I find it interesting thought that of the photographers i know or have heard about, the vast majority of them use photoshop.... heavily. In my eyes it's kinda of a bummer. I think the moment should be captured in it's raw element... and not altered by the human mind. I have a lot of reading to do over the next few months. Technical information mostly. I am looking forward to a new challenge, and solidifying my plans for the next five years.

Friday Afternoon.... July 1st

Today is a good day.     |
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Fourth of July weekend. I have a lot going on this weekend, but with no real time table or agenda. I know tomorrow i am going with a friend to a family cook out. It will be interesting because my parents won't be there because they are on vacation. Sunday, there is a pig roast at my cousins bar that i may go to depending on how i fair tomorrow night... and monday, i hope to be a bit patriotic visiting someone deep in the heart of the american forests. I am not yet sure where i want to go monday but i know i want to be disconnected with the world... without technology or any form of "advanced" tools. I want to put myself in the time and place of the people that wandered the woods of New England centuries ago... I want to know what it was like to be "alone and afraid," lost in my own thoughts and getting to some deep truths about myself that i have been conflicted over for a while now. Basically... i want to figure out why i do a rather than b... in a very logical and general sense. Between who i was and who i am... it's hard to determine my motivations sometimes. Often it comes down to a social sense... having grown up on the internet... and her basically being my sole focus for so long... i find that i can't talk to many women... the way i would if it were through a digital source. As if the internet filtering my thoughts some how makes it "ok" to talk the way i do... mean while in normal every day social situations i'm often quiet and keeping to myself unless there is a conversation that i overhear which peaks my interest and i can have something relevant to say.... Or when friends are around... i will converse with them and usually, for the most part, be able to contribute something thought provoking. However... in the groups that i typically see in social situations that are separate groups... the people usually keep to themselves and i keep to myself. Buddhism cause that the "master" because the master is always watching... However... by watching... most often i am made a fool by the fools. It's rather disheartening but it is what it is.

I think a general disconnection from the human race... somewhere foreign and isolated would be really good for me to experience before i head back into work life. i think the deep woods of northern New England would be a good place to head to Monday and i'll probably be back Tuesday or Wednesday. They say only 1/3 of humanity can see the milky way at night... i hope to be a part of that 1/3 if only for a night.


With that being said... I think i'm gonna sign off for the weekend.

Happy Fourth Everyone!