So... I turn 31 on Sunday. I must say... my 30th year was indeed crazy. I got a new job... had an extremely amazing opportunity... and learned a lot about myself also.
As i look forward into the future... i wonder what my 31st year will hold. Will it be everything i want it to be? Only if i push the past out of my head and start looking at each day as a new opportunity. If i continue to focus on the trails that I've survived and wondering "why me" in all of the craziness that i've been through i will forever stay stuck in the past. All things in time... yes... its true... but if i don't start looking forward with renewed optimism and looking at the opprotunities that i have before me... then i will not be able to accomplish my goals within the time frame that i have laid out for myself. Changes are coming before the end of the year... Big changes... There is a grand opportunity which is just around the corner and i know if i can align my intentions, my thoughts, and my actions, that it will come to pass. If i can't find alignment though... i'll likely never reach my goal. Over the past two months or so i dipped my toes in "love" however it did not seem to be reciprocated on the same level that i was giving it... or if it was then i was blind to it.
This winter i am going it alone... Something that i don't typically prefer to do during the fall / winter months but i think for my own personal growth its something that i have to do. A lot of the habits that i had created for myself over the past year are starting to fall apart. Truth be told... I'm kind of happy about that because they were not the safest habits. In time... i'll find new things to occupy my time but as of right now i am struggling to find meaning in the every day things that i do. I know its there... each action has a result and each result has another action after it. But... if i can't get a hold of my situation i'm likely to end up back here... writing a similar post a few days before my 32nd birthday.
I would love to say this time is different... but honestly i still feel like a 22 year old without a hold on things. lost in a world that has no meaning. I guess we make our own meaning... and the things that we live for ultimately determine our course of action. I am not who i once was... and while i always look back at the past wondering why things went wrong i know ultimately it was my choices that determined this past for me.
I guess what I'm trying to get across is.... It's time i start making better choices.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Sunday Morning Chill
It's about 9:30am in the morning. I'm out back drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette. I start my shift in a week... And I'm looking forward to it. I'm about ready to give everything up... Smoking.. drinking.. everything. Mainly because i've been on a bad path the last few months and i need to curb it before anything gets out of hand. Truth is... i got distracted by a pretty face and a sweet girl. Honestly though... if i don't put a stop to it... and get into a good routine soon... then i'll be in a bad spot by the time i turn 31. The goal... of this winter... is to save money... and get on a good path that allows me to lose weight... I'm probably going to be a hermit once the winter hits. I gotta look at my money situation and figure out what I'm going to be making so that way i can get into my own condo by the time march rolls around. It's a short entry today... but next time i write i'll write more... i'm just still waking up so i am not fully a wake and my thoughts are a little scrambled.
have a good week
have a good week
Thursday, September 22, 2016
T-Minus 2 Months....
What a crazy year it's been. my 30th year was definitely full of surprises. Over all though, i feel i am ending my 30th year better off than i started. Between a couple of vacations... a new job... new car... and new friends... i am feeling a bit more optimistic than i did when i turned 30. I am looking forward to what my 31st year has in store for me. The one thing i want most between now and my 32nd birthday (14 months) is to find love. I have a been crushing on a woman for most of the year now... and i am hoping in the next couple of months that it turns from a crush into something more. She knows how i feel about her... because i've made it clear... but... i am not rushing into anything with her because through past experiences, i've found that rushing just leads to problems. I did ask her out on a date recently, and while i got a partial answer the other night... nothing was formalized. So... we'll see what this weekend brings.
Today was not the best day overall... Last night i felt ok, but when i woke up this morning around 7 i was in rough shape... my voice basically gave out on me... my stomach wasn't exactly cooperating... and my head hurt like a bastard. I called out of work (first and last time for this year - By choice mainly) and i ended up taking some meds and sleeping until 1pm. I do feel a bit better right now but overall i'd say I'm at a 4 out of 10 for overall "how i feel." I am going to hope in the shower, and then head to CVS and get some cold meds. Right now, it's located mostly in my sinuses so i am hoping that whatever i end up buying i will be able to get rid of the cold by the weekend. I need to get my laundry together and get my room cleaned up... also i need to shave as my beard seems to be coming in thick this week. This coming weekend i don't really have anything planned. I was invited to a friends birthday party this coming sunday between 5-10pm... i may stop in there for a few minutes just to say hey.... also... saturday was the day that i asked the woman out on a date for... and when i last saw her she apologized for not responding to the text... and told me she would love to go to dinner with me. So.. i am hopefully that she wasn't just saying that to make me feel good... and that she honestly had interest in going out on a date with me saturday night. Of course... if she was serious then I'm gonna have to find some place to go get food. I haven't been on a real date in over 3 years so... i gotta try and do it right... an "adult" date... not a little kid date.
With that said... I'm signing off... wish me luck... and hopefully i can shake the remains of this cold.
Today was not the best day overall... Last night i felt ok, but when i woke up this morning around 7 i was in rough shape... my voice basically gave out on me... my stomach wasn't exactly cooperating... and my head hurt like a bastard. I called out of work (first and last time for this year - By choice mainly) and i ended up taking some meds and sleeping until 1pm. I do feel a bit better right now but overall i'd say I'm at a 4 out of 10 for overall "how i feel." I am going to hope in the shower, and then head to CVS and get some cold meds. Right now, it's located mostly in my sinuses so i am hoping that whatever i end up buying i will be able to get rid of the cold by the weekend. I need to get my laundry together and get my room cleaned up... also i need to shave as my beard seems to be coming in thick this week. This coming weekend i don't really have anything planned. I was invited to a friends birthday party this coming sunday between 5-10pm... i may stop in there for a few minutes just to say hey.... also... saturday was the day that i asked the woman out on a date for... and when i last saw her she apologized for not responding to the text... and told me she would love to go to dinner with me. So.. i am hopefully that she wasn't just saying that to make me feel good... and that she honestly had interest in going out on a date with me saturday night. Of course... if she was serious then I'm gonna have to find some place to go get food. I haven't been on a real date in over 3 years so... i gotta try and do it right... an "adult" date... not a little kid date.
With that said... I'm signing off... wish me luck... and hopefully i can shake the remains of this cold.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Late Night
It's late... after 1:30am... i have to get out of bed and be ready for work in less than 5 1/2 hours. I'm not sure why i decided to stay up this late... i just know that I'm up and wide awake. Today (friday) may not be the "best day" mentally.. but i will power through none the less. A lot has happened in the last few weeks. I finally got assigned my shift. 4pm to midnight monday though friday. It was the shift i was hoping for so I'm pretty excited about that. I will be making 15% more thanks to the shift differential and by all standards thats a damn good salary. I don't know if the monthly bonus is based on the differential or the base pay... but none the less a bonus is a bonus so I'm not about to complain. Last weekend things took a turn for the worst in a lot of ways. I went out friday night and lets just say... it didn't end well. At this point... I've given up drinking "almost" entirely. When i go to the bar thats closest to my house... i've been getting soda... water and food this week... And tonight i ventured to my other drinking spot and after a bit of running around with a friend... i got a couple of odouls. Honestly... its not the best beer i ever drank... but consider how the last 4 months have gone... i'll take it if it means being social with people i know at the bar. That was one of the fears about giving up drinking... that i would lose the social aspect of going out and seeing people.. but my fears have been abolished by several good friends that helped reassure me that people like me whether I'm drinking or not... and the fact that its possible to go out and have a good time without getting shitty is a boost. I'll probably go back to... say... a bud light... within a month. but i won't be going down the road of shots or high ABV any time soon. Also... on nights when i do plan on drinking more than just odouls and water... i'll get an uber to and from the locations. I know uber isn't that expensive on off nights... and also... since I'm going to be working second shift... i won't be drinking during the week... or doing much else of anything that has an effect on my mental state.
The plan... as i see it... is wake up early... 9-11 in the morning everyday.... go about my business... doctors appointments... massages... auto maintenance.... that sort of thing... then head of to work... work my shift... and after work go to the gym for an hour or two to tire myself out... then head home... take my pills... and head to sleep. and repeat. I won't be spending nearly as much money during the week... and i'll likely cut down on smoking too as a result. I'll definitely be cutting out the random thirsty thursdays... and friday nights will go from "bar hopping" to work oriented. saturdays will still start off much the same... going to get brunch at my cousins... and then from saturday afternoon until sunday night i'll be free to do whatever i want... then come monday morning... wake up... make dinners for the week... and then head to work once its time for my shift.
I really want to do this... make the change... i want to have enough money saved up in my account by the end of the year that i can actually get people decent gifts this year. I also want to have enough money... so that if i owe anything in taxes i won't be completely fucked... My bills will go down soon enough... and i know at this point I'm better off saving up the money and dropping a large sum on my credit cards than i am putting small chunks on it every month that cut into my spending cash because then i just end up using the credit cards again. the ultimate goal is to be debt free within 2 years... i have roughly 35k in debt right now between my car, student loans, and credit cards... and i figure that given my total yearly income it should be possible to get rid of it all within that time frame. Then... its a matter of how well i've built myself at my company... whether or not I'm in a relationship... and whether or not i plan on staying in rhode island long term... that i'll probably look toward buying a house or condo. I know that come this march i'll probably have to find a place to live as my roommate is planning on selling in the spring... I know the type of apartment i want to get into... and i feel that by that point my credit cards will be paid off so all i have to worry about is my car and student loans... this will free up enough money for me to afford the type of place i want to live in.
Health wise i've seen better weeks... tonight was probably the upward climb back to good health. I got sick saturday... slept about 22 hours... and didn't feel like doing anything... basically my sinuses were completely clogged on one side... and i felt miserable... by monday night it moved from my sinuses down to my chest... and breathing and smoking weren't the easiest of tasks... however... i bought meds so it wasn't so bad. Tuesday i went to the gym after eating dinner and that felt really good. I did 30 minutes on the tread mill... walking 3.0 mph... with a heart rate of 145 the entire time... i was dripping in sweat by the time i finished... but when i weighed myself wednesday morning i had crossed back over the 230lb mark... I'm hoping i can remain their. Wednesday night i stayed home.... had a burger on the grill and went to the near by bar to bug a bar tender... it was funny though... because i spent more time talking to her dad than i did her... by 9:30 though i can home... made a budget... and got ready for today... Today i feel ok... i've had a dull headache for most of the day but it has since left. I think it might be the increase in soda.... or just sinus pressure that is remaining from the beginning of the week. Now though... the head ache is gone and i just can't sleep... i don't know if its going to be worth trying... but in about 10 minutes thats exactly what I'm going to do.
The weekend ahead looks like it should be fun. If nothing else... tomorrow night my buddy is playing a show and i haven't seen them play since they got back from their break so i plan on stopping in there... as for saturday... i'll probably do the usual brunch at my cousins.. Earlier in the week a friend had reached out to me and she sounded like she was going through a rough patch. We "sort of" made plans from saturday night so i am hoping that i hear from her. If not... I'm sure i'll find something to do. Sunday... my roommate was talking about going down to one of his friends to watch the game and i may tag along. Of course... anything is possible so what i think will happen now... may turn out completely different... hopefully for the better though.
The plan... as i see it... is wake up early... 9-11 in the morning everyday.... go about my business... doctors appointments... massages... auto maintenance.... that sort of thing... then head of to work... work my shift... and after work go to the gym for an hour or two to tire myself out... then head home... take my pills... and head to sleep. and repeat. I won't be spending nearly as much money during the week... and i'll likely cut down on smoking too as a result. I'll definitely be cutting out the random thirsty thursdays... and friday nights will go from "bar hopping" to work oriented. saturdays will still start off much the same... going to get brunch at my cousins... and then from saturday afternoon until sunday night i'll be free to do whatever i want... then come monday morning... wake up... make dinners for the week... and then head to work once its time for my shift.
I really want to do this... make the change... i want to have enough money saved up in my account by the end of the year that i can actually get people decent gifts this year. I also want to have enough money... so that if i owe anything in taxes i won't be completely fucked... My bills will go down soon enough... and i know at this point I'm better off saving up the money and dropping a large sum on my credit cards than i am putting small chunks on it every month that cut into my spending cash because then i just end up using the credit cards again. the ultimate goal is to be debt free within 2 years... i have roughly 35k in debt right now between my car, student loans, and credit cards... and i figure that given my total yearly income it should be possible to get rid of it all within that time frame. Then... its a matter of how well i've built myself at my company... whether or not I'm in a relationship... and whether or not i plan on staying in rhode island long term... that i'll probably look toward buying a house or condo. I know that come this march i'll probably have to find a place to live as my roommate is planning on selling in the spring... I know the type of apartment i want to get into... and i feel that by that point my credit cards will be paid off so all i have to worry about is my car and student loans... this will free up enough money for me to afford the type of place i want to live in.
Health wise i've seen better weeks... tonight was probably the upward climb back to good health. I got sick saturday... slept about 22 hours... and didn't feel like doing anything... basically my sinuses were completely clogged on one side... and i felt miserable... by monday night it moved from my sinuses down to my chest... and breathing and smoking weren't the easiest of tasks... however... i bought meds so it wasn't so bad. Tuesday i went to the gym after eating dinner and that felt really good. I did 30 minutes on the tread mill... walking 3.0 mph... with a heart rate of 145 the entire time... i was dripping in sweat by the time i finished... but when i weighed myself wednesday morning i had crossed back over the 230lb mark... I'm hoping i can remain their. Wednesday night i stayed home.... had a burger on the grill and went to the near by bar to bug a bar tender... it was funny though... because i spent more time talking to her dad than i did her... by 9:30 though i can home... made a budget... and got ready for today... Today i feel ok... i've had a dull headache for most of the day but it has since left. I think it might be the increase in soda.... or just sinus pressure that is remaining from the beginning of the week. Now though... the head ache is gone and i just can't sleep... i don't know if its going to be worth trying... but in about 10 minutes thats exactly what I'm going to do.
The weekend ahead looks like it should be fun. If nothing else... tomorrow night my buddy is playing a show and i haven't seen them play since they got back from their break so i plan on stopping in there... as for saturday... i'll probably do the usual brunch at my cousins.. Earlier in the week a friend had reached out to me and she sounded like she was going through a rough patch. We "sort of" made plans from saturday night so i am hoping that i hear from her. If not... I'm sure i'll find something to do. Sunday... my roommate was talking about going down to one of his friends to watch the game and i may tag along. Of course... anything is possible so what i think will happen now... may turn out completely different... hopefully for the better though.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
In one year....
In one year... i hope to be in a better place than where i am now.
I hope to have more money in my bank account
I hope to have more friends that reach out to me
I hope that i am in better health, mentally and physically.
I hope that i am no longer a victim of my own bad habits.
I hope that i am older, wiser, and more mature.
I hope these things... because i know these things will happen, provided i take the steps today needed in order to ensure these things happen. And... i will take those steps.... Today.. that are needed... for the things i want a year from now to happen.
I hope to have more money in my bank account
I hope to have more friends that reach out to me
I hope that i am in better health, mentally and physically.
I hope that i am no longer a victim of my own bad habits.
I hope that i am older, wiser, and more mature.
I hope these things... because i know these things will happen, provided i take the steps today needed in order to ensure these things happen. And... i will take those steps.... Today.. that are needed... for the things i want a year from now to happen.
Monday, September 5, 2016
The downside of Crazy....
Lately, while things have been going great for me... there has been an internal battle that many people do not realize is going on. With the added stresses of recently life changes... i've been having a hard time keeping it all together. The motto - Work hard, Play hard - Is really the only thing thats keeping me focused on my goals. But, it comes at a dangerous price for me. I've been smoking more than i typically do... and drinking lately has been a bit... "harder" than i'd prefer. I know in the next week i will get assigned a shift which i'll be starting in october... and honestly once i get the shift is when i know what i plan on doing to "settle" in for the winter and get on track for the next two years. I figure... if its second shift... i'll basically be spending my week nights working... which is what i am hoping for. If it's third shift... then i'll really be spending my week nights working... but...until i know... i don't really know what my salary will be. I don't know how much i'll be able to save... how much i have for my bills... and so on... So, Tomorrow i start in the center which I'm nervous and excited about... mainly because i want to put some of the stuff that i learned into practice. I just hope i "make the cut" and can accomplish my goals.
In other news... there is a tropical storm or whats left of it... off the coast today. the winds are up and the sky is cloudy (even though the sun is peaking out right now). Yesterday i went do to beavertail to take some photos of the waves. Today would be a good day for that too but on the agenda today is to take and pass the VCP Foundations exam.... also to go to the gym... then... have dinner and read for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will come early and i want to be refreshed for my first official day of work.
In the last year... i have
Lost 20lbs
gotten a new job
visited my sister
ended a relationship
gotten a new car.
In the next year... i will
Lose 20lbs
Visit my sister
Gotten two IT Certifications
Started a relationship
and saved More than 10K
In other news... there is a tropical storm or whats left of it... off the coast today. the winds are up and the sky is cloudy (even though the sun is peaking out right now). Yesterday i went do to beavertail to take some photos of the waves. Today would be a good day for that too but on the agenda today is to take and pass the VCP Foundations exam.... also to go to the gym... then... have dinner and read for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will come early and i want to be refreshed for my first official day of work.
In the last year... i have
Lost 20lbs
gotten a new job
visited my sister
ended a relationship
gotten a new car.
In the next year... i will
Lose 20lbs
Visit my sister
Gotten two IT Certifications
Started a relationship
and saved More than 10K
Sunday, August 21, 2016
10:00pm
Sleep soon. It's sunday. It's been a good weekend. I ended up getting out of work a little early on friday so the weekend started well enough. I had steak for dinner and went out to the bar afterwards... Had a few decent conversations and heard a few decent stories. Saturday, i ended up waking up around 7am to use the bathroom, then went back to bed. Woke up around 10:30 and then went to my normal saturday breakfast place to get brunch.. then i came home... and made a plan for the day. First, i got a hair cut, then bought a couple of books, then went down to my parents. The books are Skills Finder 2.0 and 6 brief physics concepts. My mom had to get a few things at walmart i drove her there. I got her some cat supplies and also eye drops because her eye had been bothering her. Then we stopped at koles because she needed sneakers... I got her that, and another item which she needed. Overall the bill came out to 240 but i "saved" 260 bucks so im definately not complain... I got a few shirts, and some sun glasses. From there we went back to the house and she ordered food. After lunch, i headed home and much to my surprise, my roommates friend was parked in front of my house yet my roommate wasnt home. I entertained for a little bit and after about an hour, my roommate and the guys wife finally got to the house. I cooked up burgers.. and showered up... about an hour later i went out to the bar... had some drinks... some good conversations... and told a few stories. Got home around 1 and went to bed. This morning, i woke up around 9... then went back to bed for a couple of hours. When i woke up i went out for lunch. Ended up getting lobster mac and cheese... and then i came home and started laundry.... did it virtually all day and even now.. theres still one load in the drier, and another load on the floor in the laundry room. I moved my desk and computer from the basement to my room... rearranged my room a bit... to look a bit more like a micro studio apartment... Having come to realize today... after a conversation yesterday... that really... even though im renting a room in a friends house... its just a room. and i need to come to understand "limits." For dinner today... i had an apple, two hotdogs, and an english muffin. Its now 10:11... and my PC is doing updates... im hoping it will finish up in the next 10 minutes... so i can go to bed.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Close to midnight.... sorta
It's Thursday night, an hour before midnight. There is a full moon out tonight. The back yard is all lit up from it. Things have been good lately, despite my negative mood at times. Over indulgence will do that ya know.. Work has been good.. progressing better than expected. I look back at two months ago and wonder what i was thinking when the escapism was taking hold. Today was a good day though. The instructor for next week is very knowledgable and seems like a decent human being. One thing i've noticed about this company is the number of people in their late 30s - early 40s that are in leadership positions. It gives me hope that if the "master plan" fails... then i have a chance to grow within the company... and rather quickly at that. I am not yet sure what shift i am going to be on.. however i am hoping for second... 15% pay increase as a result... 25% if I'm on third but i don't know if i could hack not seeing daylight while I'm working. Tonight... i decided to go out. I went to Nicks in Providence and hung out there for a couple of beers.. I saw some of the usual suspects while i was there and had a good laugh too. I left there around 9.. and went to my cousins bar for wings and fries... i didn't drink at my cousins bar though. I caught a little of the olympics... and a little of the Pats game... but once i finished eating i bounced and came home. that was about an hour ago. Right now... i am trying... to relax. My neck and shoulders have been killing me for a few days now. I don't know if its because i could use new pillows... or if its from pent up stress. I'm thinking it might be both. So... i'll probably go buy pillows to at least fix that problem. I took my pills when i got home... but they haven't kicked in yet... hence why I'm writing this.
Part of me is stuck in the past... dealing with shit that i can't change no matter how much i want to. Another part of me is in the future... thinking of what life will be like 6 months, a year, and 5 years from now... and a small part is here in the present... realizing that i won't get to my 6 month, 1 year, 5 year goals... if i stay stuck in the past. I think the thing that anchor's me to the past the most... is smoking. It's really been my identity since the day i turned 18... and if i am to move forward in life then i need to quit. Focus on better things... and get on with my life. Past hurts should be a lesson... because if they are not then they are just taking away from that happiness of the present and the possibilities of the future. With that said... like an idiot... i put a patch on a short while ago and threw away my smokes... i know that wearing a patch throughout the night is a bad idea... i just... i want to change... i want the change to be immediate and permanent. I don't know if i am going to sleep tonight. Usually *on times when i try to quit late at night* sleep is very scarce... it doesn't last long when it does come and the dreams i end up having as a result are extremely vivid and more so than anything else they bother mentally.
Lately the hallucinations have been kicking in... which just reminds me that i need to relax. They aren't visual... just auditory... as they have been for most of the last few years. I haven't had a visual hallucination in quite a number of years and for that i am thankful... but sometimes it's rough because i can't tell whether what I'm hearing is real or not. In this instance i know its not real... because the situations in which they are happening don't warrant what i am hearing... but it doesn't mean they are any less troublesome. I know it's being brought on by stress... and some would say that quitting smoking will just induce more stress... but i need to find an outlet for my stress rather than letting it consume me and relying on a cancer stick to take it away... Cowboy killers have been my staple since i was about 21 and 85% of the nights... since about 2011 have been met with coughing fits, trouble breathing... and shallow breathes.... its not something i wish to continue. While a change in my public image will be interesting... i am curious to see how to turns out... As i would like to think... its the "next great challenge" and with a change in jobs this summer... quitting smoking before the end of the summer would really mean that not only did my situation change... but i changed as well.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
It's dress down day tomorrow at work... so i figure i will be at least comfortable throughout the day. There is "food truck fridays" which is cool... i haven't been there yet but tomorrow i will because it's wings and it's pretty hard to fuck up wings. I think when i get done writing this... i will pack a bag for tomorrow. I want to go to the gym after work - on my way home... and i've been saying for about 2 weeks now that i want to start going to the gym after work... Really the only thing stopping me is being lazy... When i get out of work... the brain is shot but the body could go for miles... also... becoming a little more active would be helpful at this time because i am getting very little movement during the day. i know an hour on the treadmill won't make up for the they 8 hours I'm stuck in a chair... but it's better than 8 hours in a chair then coming home and spending another 3 hours in a chair before going to bed. once i get my shift assigned... i'll be able to "change" my life for the better.
Once i have my shift... i'll 1.) know how much my monthly salary is.... 2.) know what my free time is going to be. 3.) be able to plan things around my schedule i.e doctors appointments, auto maintenance, gym time, and second income time. I've been going back and fourth on whether or not i am going to move back in with my parents... At this point its a "pro vs con" sort of thing... i know last year at this time i was itching to get out of my parents house and circumstances made is so that i could do that... but if i end up working 3rd shift i don't know if i could handle that while living here. On the opposite side... if i end up working second shift it might be exactly what i need to regain a sense of self... four-five days a week i'll end up not seeing my roommate mainly because i'd be waking up after he leaves for work and i would be leaving for work before he gets home from work. The four day a week schedule seemed nice at first because i would have two week days off in order to do the things that need to be done during the day... but on the other hand... will the two days a week off be enough to counteract the "wake up... go to work... get home.. go to sleep" routine. At this point I'm really not sure. Time will tell and at this point i guess I'm just well.. guessing about how the future will be... For all i know this could be the best thing that ever happens to me... even better than the "big win" back at the end of march. One thing that i've learned from the new job is that as a company... they work on one thing at a time... and they do that very well to become a very successful company. If i take the same thinking... and work on one major area of my life at a time... try to fix... one habit at a time... then in time the changes will be apparent and things will in fact be much better as a result.. Today... its smoking... and if i can stick it out for the 2-3 weeks to "break the habit" then in a few months... smoking will be a distant memory... i think its the habit that keeps me doing it... and the occasional stress reliever.... but... on a normal commute to work in the morning.. I'm definitely not stressed... but i'll still smoke 3 cigarettes.. like clock work.
i should probably end this because I'm rambling and its getting late...
write more later
Part of me is stuck in the past... dealing with shit that i can't change no matter how much i want to. Another part of me is in the future... thinking of what life will be like 6 months, a year, and 5 years from now... and a small part is here in the present... realizing that i won't get to my 6 month, 1 year, 5 year goals... if i stay stuck in the past. I think the thing that anchor's me to the past the most... is smoking. It's really been my identity since the day i turned 18... and if i am to move forward in life then i need to quit. Focus on better things... and get on with my life. Past hurts should be a lesson... because if they are not then they are just taking away from that happiness of the present and the possibilities of the future. With that said... like an idiot... i put a patch on a short while ago and threw away my smokes... i know that wearing a patch throughout the night is a bad idea... i just... i want to change... i want the change to be immediate and permanent. I don't know if i am going to sleep tonight. Usually *on times when i try to quit late at night* sleep is very scarce... it doesn't last long when it does come and the dreams i end up having as a result are extremely vivid and more so than anything else they bother mentally.
Lately the hallucinations have been kicking in... which just reminds me that i need to relax. They aren't visual... just auditory... as they have been for most of the last few years. I haven't had a visual hallucination in quite a number of years and for that i am thankful... but sometimes it's rough because i can't tell whether what I'm hearing is real or not. In this instance i know its not real... because the situations in which they are happening don't warrant what i am hearing... but it doesn't mean they are any less troublesome. I know it's being brought on by stress... and some would say that quitting smoking will just induce more stress... but i need to find an outlet for my stress rather than letting it consume me and relying on a cancer stick to take it away... Cowboy killers have been my staple since i was about 21 and 85% of the nights... since about 2011 have been met with coughing fits, trouble breathing... and shallow breathes.... its not something i wish to continue. While a change in my public image will be interesting... i am curious to see how to turns out... As i would like to think... its the "next great challenge" and with a change in jobs this summer... quitting smoking before the end of the summer would really mean that not only did my situation change... but i changed as well.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
It's dress down day tomorrow at work... so i figure i will be at least comfortable throughout the day. There is "food truck fridays" which is cool... i haven't been there yet but tomorrow i will because it's wings and it's pretty hard to fuck up wings. I think when i get done writing this... i will pack a bag for tomorrow. I want to go to the gym after work - on my way home... and i've been saying for about 2 weeks now that i want to start going to the gym after work... Really the only thing stopping me is being lazy... When i get out of work... the brain is shot but the body could go for miles... also... becoming a little more active would be helpful at this time because i am getting very little movement during the day. i know an hour on the treadmill won't make up for the they 8 hours I'm stuck in a chair... but it's better than 8 hours in a chair then coming home and spending another 3 hours in a chair before going to bed. once i get my shift assigned... i'll be able to "change" my life for the better.
Once i have my shift... i'll 1.) know how much my monthly salary is.... 2.) know what my free time is going to be. 3.) be able to plan things around my schedule i.e doctors appointments, auto maintenance, gym time, and second income time. I've been going back and fourth on whether or not i am going to move back in with my parents... At this point its a "pro vs con" sort of thing... i know last year at this time i was itching to get out of my parents house and circumstances made is so that i could do that... but if i end up working 3rd shift i don't know if i could handle that while living here. On the opposite side... if i end up working second shift it might be exactly what i need to regain a sense of self... four-five days a week i'll end up not seeing my roommate mainly because i'd be waking up after he leaves for work and i would be leaving for work before he gets home from work. The four day a week schedule seemed nice at first because i would have two week days off in order to do the things that need to be done during the day... but on the other hand... will the two days a week off be enough to counteract the "wake up... go to work... get home.. go to sleep" routine. At this point I'm really not sure. Time will tell and at this point i guess I'm just well.. guessing about how the future will be... For all i know this could be the best thing that ever happens to me... even better than the "big win" back at the end of march. One thing that i've learned from the new job is that as a company... they work on one thing at a time... and they do that very well to become a very successful company. If i take the same thinking... and work on one major area of my life at a time... try to fix... one habit at a time... then in time the changes will be apparent and things will in fact be much better as a result.. Today... its smoking... and if i can stick it out for the 2-3 weeks to "break the habit" then in a few months... smoking will be a distant memory... i think its the habit that keeps me doing it... and the occasional stress reliever.... but... on a normal commute to work in the morning.. I'm definitely not stressed... but i'll still smoke 3 cigarettes.. like clock work.
i should probably end this because I'm rambling and its getting late...
write more later
Sunday, August 14, 2016
There is Vomit in the Air
It smells in the house today. The Roommate had a little to much to drink last night... and right now, 8:02pm the next day (sunday), vomit is all i can smell.
Right now it is intact 8:03pm on Sunday, August 14th. Tomorrow starts another week of training. I don't know exactly what the training will be on, but i am sure it will be intense and educational. Tomorrow is pay day, so that's a good thing. With the money i currently have, and the money i am going to get... i should be in a good position for the rest of the month. The majority of my bills are already paid for the month... So at this point if i spend... 150 a week for the next couple of weeks... By September is should be close to 3k in the bank. I have to liquidate some stocks this week. I have about 3500 shares of a small cap that has been losing money. Unfortunately i bought the stock at a high and i've lost about 30 bucks on it and i don't think it is going to bounce back any time soon. It's only... .05 a share so its not big money... but having the cash on hand would probably be better at this time.
I am still debating on moving. I know I'm not going to move any later than november... So i have two months to do it if i really want to. The positive side of staying is that i have cheap rent... the downside is that sometimes the living situation isn't the best. It's been "better" lately, but i question how long the good times will last. Maybe i'll wait it out until next spring... the roommate said he is likely going to sell his house next spring so that would give me a few months to stock pile cash... and maybe get into a spot of my own by then.
Right now it is intact 8:03pm on Sunday, August 14th. Tomorrow starts another week of training. I don't know exactly what the training will be on, but i am sure it will be intense and educational. Tomorrow is pay day, so that's a good thing. With the money i currently have, and the money i am going to get... i should be in a good position for the rest of the month. The majority of my bills are already paid for the month... So at this point if i spend... 150 a week for the next couple of weeks... By September is should be close to 3k in the bank. I have to liquidate some stocks this week. I have about 3500 shares of a small cap that has been losing money. Unfortunately i bought the stock at a high and i've lost about 30 bucks on it and i don't think it is going to bounce back any time soon. It's only... .05 a share so its not big money... but having the cash on hand would probably be better at this time.
I am still debating on moving. I know I'm not going to move any later than november... So i have two months to do it if i really want to. The positive side of staying is that i have cheap rent... the downside is that sometimes the living situation isn't the best. It's been "better" lately, but i question how long the good times will last. Maybe i'll wait it out until next spring... the roommate said he is likely going to sell his house next spring so that would give me a few months to stock pile cash... and maybe get into a spot of my own by then.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Sober August....
So... I am going sober for the month of August. This... really is something that's going to happen. It's 10:10... sunday, july 31st. I am basically going to burn the rest of the bridges... and move on in my life. Things haven't been good this past month... There was a problem that reemerged that i am not around of... I took steps today to rectify the problem... but that doesn't undo the damage it did. I assume full accountability for where i am tonight... and playing the victim was always something i was good at but i didn't really understand how much negative thinking and pointing fingers was really causing my situation to get worse... Really.. i am to blame. My choices and my actions put me in the situation that i am in now and the only person that can pull me out of it is me. There is no point in attempting to "fix" things by some magic number that may or may not exist and fix all of my financial problems... leading me to bigger and better things. The honest truth is that the bigger and better things are already here... and if i don't value the experiences that i'm having now that it's not worth continuing. I went to a bar and saw a friend and had a "last beer" with her... now... I'm finishing off the last two smokes i have in my pack. I don't know what the future holds... but its better than wishing i could change the past. So at this point i am taking back control... getting in the "healthy" habits that i want to form.. and i am taking advantage of a situation that will be fruitful if i apply myself properly. There are many excuses and things i've said over the last several years for why i am in the situation i am in and honestly... they were just excuses. I think i know why i've gone down this path and i know that i can fix things if i really want to.. i just have to put in the hard work and dedication...
wasting time feeling sorry for myself.. or telling myself the "taboo" sentence that for a brief sentence seems like it would "solve my problems" and end the cycle itself.... has only brought me down. A small part of someone dies every time they think about suicide... and honestly... its one of the hardest feelings to shake once i get on that frame of thinking. It's a silent struggle really... many people out there deal with it... they just don't talk about it. With that said... i need to end the habit of self destruction.. and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose. The people i've met over the last several years have taught me a thing or two of life... and the people that left my life.. did it because i was on the wrong path... i don't blame them... and the obsessive mind often thinks about them.. but i know that if i ever want to see any of them again... i need to care for myself first.. and if they are meant to come back into my life... they will... in their own perfect time.
Tonight is probably going to be a long night... i'm kinda at the cut off point for taking my pills... which means insomnia... tossing and turning all night... with extremely vivid dreams... i probably won't fall asleep until 4 or 5... even though i'd rather fall asleep by 11... then... when the alarm goes off at 6... i'll be wide awake and wondering why the hell i did this to myself (again). Such is life though...
Tomorrow... when i do finally get out of bed... I'm going to shower, shave, brush my teeth, use mouthwash, whiten my teeth, and then throw on a nicotine patch... Then... i will get dressed... eat breakfast... and head into work... At work i'll learn very interesting and technical concepts that i'm aware of but don't have a full understanding of... and then when i leave work... i'll drive home, Cook dinner, and work out for an hour... then i'll study the exam materials for another couple of hours... then go to bed... and basically repeat the pattern all week... until friday night... when the pattern will break for the weekend... and I'll be doing a new "weekend habit" and in four weeks.. the habits will have formed into a routine... and that routine... will run my life for the next 6 months.. until winter is in full swing... and i'm really in a good spot physically... emotionally... and financially.. Then taxes will be due... and i'll have to start back at zero financially... and i will rebuild better than i had been previously... In May i'll take a vacation... and again in august.. At some point i'll be moving... and that will shake things up for a couple of weeks... but it will just help to ingrain the habits even more... until someday soon... i have a new keystone habit... and it will be the foundation for the rest of my life.
wasting time feeling sorry for myself.. or telling myself the "taboo" sentence that for a brief sentence seems like it would "solve my problems" and end the cycle itself.... has only brought me down. A small part of someone dies every time they think about suicide... and honestly... its one of the hardest feelings to shake once i get on that frame of thinking. It's a silent struggle really... many people out there deal with it... they just don't talk about it. With that said... i need to end the habit of self destruction.. and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose. The people i've met over the last several years have taught me a thing or two of life... and the people that left my life.. did it because i was on the wrong path... i don't blame them... and the obsessive mind often thinks about them.. but i know that if i ever want to see any of them again... i need to care for myself first.. and if they are meant to come back into my life... they will... in their own perfect time.
Tonight is probably going to be a long night... i'm kinda at the cut off point for taking my pills... which means insomnia... tossing and turning all night... with extremely vivid dreams... i probably won't fall asleep until 4 or 5... even though i'd rather fall asleep by 11... then... when the alarm goes off at 6... i'll be wide awake and wondering why the hell i did this to myself (again). Such is life though...
Tomorrow... when i do finally get out of bed... I'm going to shower, shave, brush my teeth, use mouthwash, whiten my teeth, and then throw on a nicotine patch... Then... i will get dressed... eat breakfast... and head into work... At work i'll learn very interesting and technical concepts that i'm aware of but don't have a full understanding of... and then when i leave work... i'll drive home, Cook dinner, and work out for an hour... then i'll study the exam materials for another couple of hours... then go to bed... and basically repeat the pattern all week... until friday night... when the pattern will break for the weekend... and I'll be doing a new "weekend habit" and in four weeks.. the habits will have formed into a routine... and that routine... will run my life for the next 6 months.. until winter is in full swing... and i'm really in a good spot physically... emotionally... and financially.. Then taxes will be due... and i'll have to start back at zero financially... and i will rebuild better than i had been previously... In May i'll take a vacation... and again in august.. At some point i'll be moving... and that will shake things up for a couple of weeks... but it will just help to ingrain the habits even more... until someday soon... i have a new keystone habit... and it will be the foundation for the rest of my life.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Week Three.... My Passion of Information Technology is returning....
So.. it's basically the end of week three. Tomorrow is friday, and due to the policy at the company... i fully plan on wearing jeans to work tomorrow... with a button down shirt and some dress shoes of course.
Seriously though... my Passion for computers... and IT has returned... I've wanted to learn more and more about technologies i was unaware of as the week went on. It's interesting... because up until a month ago i wanted out of the IT field all together. Something changed this week though. I guess working with Networking techology reignited a passion that i thought was long since gone. Working hands on with the equipment has been very educational and also kinda fun. Learning some of the things that i never knew before and no one had really taken the time to teach me. I mean... you can tell me "do this" but if you dont tell me why... what purpose... or how it affects everything... i really wont take much of an interest. Honestly though... this week has been inspiring... the trainer, if he's any represenation of the people i will be working with... makes me hopeful that once i get out of training i'll be able to make some good friendships with the people within the company.
Tentatively... tomorrow is pay day. Hopefully my direct deposit should have been put through so by this time tomorrow... i'll actually have cash in hand. My first "full" paycheck since mid june... I highly recommend that if anyone decides to take a month off... have more than 5k in the bank because without an income things get hard really quick. With that said though... i have a plan on how i am going to rebuild my savings... and i feel that sometime within the next six months i'll be back to where i was around may time frame.
I am actually interested in networking... which is a shock because when i was at my old company networking seemed "too hard" from the way my boss made it seem. And without having an environment that encouraged learning... i never saw the value in learning anything new. Over the next couple of months i am going to be building a home lab. Basically i am going to buy a couple of network switches... a network router... and a couple of servers so that i can experiment and learn in my downtime... it'd be much more fun to boot up a VM and screw around with it while drinking a beer... than... say... hitting on a bar tender and paying almost triple for the same beer.
I am not yet sure what i am doing tomorrow night or the rest of the weekend for that matter.... I know that Saturday morning i have to take my car in for service... it's long overdue at this point. Sunday i am dedicating to studying... Tomorrow night i have nothing really planned although i shouldnt go overboard because i have to be up early on saturday. I may "uber" tomorrow night for a bit... i know my buddy is playing a show from 9-12 so i may stop in there towards the end of the night to catch the end of the show... I figure if i am out the door by say... 8... that would give me three hours to make some cash with uber... and then an hour to get to the show and catch the last set. Figure leave there by midnight... then head home and sleep. Sounds like a good plan... of course that could change quick on the off chance that one of my other friends wants to hang out... (i.e. my roommate - who likely wont, or my female friend (who also likely wont))... So... yeah... i guess i'm ubering tomorrow evening then catching the end of my buddies set. I dont know how long i'll be tied up waiting for my car to finish... but im scheduled to go there around 10 so hopefully it wont be more than a couple of hours... i am going to load my exam prep books onto my tablet so that i can read them while i am waiting.. Saturday afternoon i am not yet sure what i am doing but i told my uncle that i would see him sometime this weekend so i may stop down in the afternoon for a couple of hours... then from there i'll have a free saturday night. I may check to see what bands are going on in the area because if there is anything good that i am familar with it would be good to get out and actually see people i know outside of the usual cast of characters.
My roommate is on a date tonight so i am just relaxing at home... listening to BPM radio. I have a load of laundry in the wash which i think just finished... I made shaved steak for dinner so i am full from that. I recent bought a stand up punching bag and i hit that for about 15 minutes after dinner... now im here writing this.... That's all i guess.
Seriously though... my Passion for computers... and IT has returned... I've wanted to learn more and more about technologies i was unaware of as the week went on. It's interesting... because up until a month ago i wanted out of the IT field all together. Something changed this week though. I guess working with Networking techology reignited a passion that i thought was long since gone. Working hands on with the equipment has been very educational and also kinda fun. Learning some of the things that i never knew before and no one had really taken the time to teach me. I mean... you can tell me "do this" but if you dont tell me why... what purpose... or how it affects everything... i really wont take much of an interest. Honestly though... this week has been inspiring... the trainer, if he's any represenation of the people i will be working with... makes me hopeful that once i get out of training i'll be able to make some good friendships with the people within the company.
Tentatively... tomorrow is pay day. Hopefully my direct deposit should have been put through so by this time tomorrow... i'll actually have cash in hand. My first "full" paycheck since mid june... I highly recommend that if anyone decides to take a month off... have more than 5k in the bank because without an income things get hard really quick. With that said though... i have a plan on how i am going to rebuild my savings... and i feel that sometime within the next six months i'll be back to where i was around may time frame.
I am actually interested in networking... which is a shock because when i was at my old company networking seemed "too hard" from the way my boss made it seem. And without having an environment that encouraged learning... i never saw the value in learning anything new. Over the next couple of months i am going to be building a home lab. Basically i am going to buy a couple of network switches... a network router... and a couple of servers so that i can experiment and learn in my downtime... it'd be much more fun to boot up a VM and screw around with it while drinking a beer... than... say... hitting on a bar tender and paying almost triple for the same beer.
I am not yet sure what i am doing tomorrow night or the rest of the weekend for that matter.... I know that Saturday morning i have to take my car in for service... it's long overdue at this point. Sunday i am dedicating to studying... Tomorrow night i have nothing really planned although i shouldnt go overboard because i have to be up early on saturday. I may "uber" tomorrow night for a bit... i know my buddy is playing a show from 9-12 so i may stop in there towards the end of the night to catch the end of the show... I figure if i am out the door by say... 8... that would give me three hours to make some cash with uber... and then an hour to get to the show and catch the last set. Figure leave there by midnight... then head home and sleep. Sounds like a good plan... of course that could change quick on the off chance that one of my other friends wants to hang out... (i.e. my roommate - who likely wont, or my female friend (who also likely wont))... So... yeah... i guess i'm ubering tomorrow evening then catching the end of my buddies set. I dont know how long i'll be tied up waiting for my car to finish... but im scheduled to go there around 10 so hopefully it wont be more than a couple of hours... i am going to load my exam prep books onto my tablet so that i can read them while i am waiting.. Saturday afternoon i am not yet sure what i am doing but i told my uncle that i would see him sometime this weekend so i may stop down in the afternoon for a couple of hours... then from there i'll have a free saturday night. I may check to see what bands are going on in the area because if there is anything good that i am familar with it would be good to get out and actually see people i know outside of the usual cast of characters.
My roommate is on a date tonight so i am just relaxing at home... listening to BPM radio. I have a load of laundry in the wash which i think just finished... I made shaved steak for dinner so i am full from that. I recent bought a stand up punching bag and i hit that for about 15 minutes after dinner... now im here writing this.... That's all i guess.
Friday, July 22, 2016
The Easy Weeks...
So... its two weeks into training. I have roughly another 5 weeks of training to go... These past two weeks were technically the easy weeks... Last week was "On Boarding." I'll let you take that for whatever you want. This week was professional week. I've learned a lot in the last two weeks about being a good person in general and was given a decent... clear... path for advancement within the company. But... at this point it's really determinate on the next five weeks as to how things are really going to turn out. I have two foundations classes... each two weeks a piece and then a 1 week boot camp. These are probably going to be some of the toughest weeks of my life in terms of educational and professional development. It's basically like cramming a 1.5 year college course... into about an 80, and 80, and a 40 hour week.
I am optimistic though.
I figure if i really try... and truly set my mind to the stone and get the shit done... i'll be a million times better off as a result. I just wonder what life is going to be like in a year... and i guess i haven't been at that point in a while... but it's both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I am hoping that some of the things i have learned over the last two weeks can help motivate me and steer me toward where i truly want to go... and point me down the path toward long term and lasting success.
It all really starts Monday.
Tomorrow... i have several things planned that weren't neccesarily on the radar recently. An event that i know normally happens in the summer is happening tomorrow. It's a mid day thing so it shouldn't be too bad but seeing as it's nearly 2am... i have a feeling it's going to be a late start in the morning. Then... tomorrow night... i want to/should/hopefully can go to a concert in a neighboring town. A friend of mine is playing on Sunday during the day and has passes to both days. I do not yet know how late i am going to be staying on saturday... i just know that mid day sunday i have to be back there to see my friends band. Then... in the afternoon sunday... it really is building on what i already know, what i've recently read... and just doing my absolute best for the following 6-12 months... and even when 6-12 months is up... i have to continue to try and move further into my "deep knowledge" and pull this one higher up than it's been yet. "All things that go up, must come down.... unless you reach orbit, then all bets are off." -AT. I know that... considering where i was just a few short months ago... Things... change RAPIDLY... and anything is possible in an infinite universe.. Both trying to use the past to justify belief in an event that "could" happen in the future... is a rather stupid waste of time. The goal... the key... is to watch the tape backwards... look at the destination first and then move further back to the present before the journey's started. At this point... i am seeing the potential for quick advancement.... respect from my peers... and the possibility for changing my life in such a way, that in the next... 5 to 10 years... i could truly be "where" i want to be.... Doing the things that i 'want" to do... whatever that may be... i am not sure. But... i know... with so "few" hours in the day... and an endless waste of time being brought on by certain media platforms... it is hard for me to see anything more than a few minutes in front of me. I feel that i need to abandon 100% of all social media platforms in order to reduce the number of distractions from my life.... You see people that you "may" have known for one or two nights and then never think of again... Or others posting photos of their wives and kids... makes you feel like shit because you have no one of your own.... [(Was it something i did? or is the world just not ready for me?) Depends on who you talk toooooo!)] I really don't know what i want... the whole "Wife, two kids, a dog and a yard" clique that i've been spouting on about for the last 10 years is getting really old.... I mean... why do i even need a wife and two kids and a dog.... why not... say... a position in the one world government in 30 years... Maybe i do want to change the world... Idk...
(((Aside from that random rant....)))
All kidding aside... it's gonna be an epic 6 weeks... and i just hope i make it through it without any major emotional scars.... things are gonna be tough.
I am optimistic though.
I figure if i really try... and truly set my mind to the stone and get the shit done... i'll be a million times better off as a result. I just wonder what life is going to be like in a year... and i guess i haven't been at that point in a while... but it's both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. I am hoping that some of the things i have learned over the last two weeks can help motivate me and steer me toward where i truly want to go... and point me down the path toward long term and lasting success.
It all really starts Monday.
Tomorrow... i have several things planned that weren't neccesarily on the radar recently. An event that i know normally happens in the summer is happening tomorrow. It's a mid day thing so it shouldn't be too bad but seeing as it's nearly 2am... i have a feeling it's going to be a late start in the morning. Then... tomorrow night... i want to/should/hopefully can go to a concert in a neighboring town. A friend of mine is playing on Sunday during the day and has passes to both days. I do not yet know how late i am going to be staying on saturday... i just know that mid day sunday i have to be back there to see my friends band. Then... in the afternoon sunday... it really is building on what i already know, what i've recently read... and just doing my absolute best for the following 6-12 months... and even when 6-12 months is up... i have to continue to try and move further into my "deep knowledge" and pull this one higher up than it's been yet. "All things that go up, must come down.... unless you reach orbit, then all bets are off." -AT. I know that... considering where i was just a few short months ago... Things... change RAPIDLY... and anything is possible in an infinite universe.. Both trying to use the past to justify belief in an event that "could" happen in the future... is a rather stupid waste of time. The goal... the key... is to watch the tape backwards... look at the destination first and then move further back to the present before the journey's started. At this point... i am seeing the potential for quick advancement.... respect from my peers... and the possibility for changing my life in such a way, that in the next... 5 to 10 years... i could truly be "where" i want to be.... Doing the things that i 'want" to do... whatever that may be... i am not sure. But... i know... with so "few" hours in the day... and an endless waste of time being brought on by certain media platforms... it is hard for me to see anything more than a few minutes in front of me. I feel that i need to abandon 100% of all social media platforms in order to reduce the number of distractions from my life.... You see people that you "may" have known for one or two nights and then never think of again... Or others posting photos of their wives and kids... makes you feel like shit because you have no one of your own.... [(Was it something i did? or is the world just not ready for me?) Depends on who you talk toooooo!)] I really don't know what i want... the whole "Wife, two kids, a dog and a yard" clique that i've been spouting on about for the last 10 years is getting really old.... I mean... why do i even need a wife and two kids and a dog.... why not... say... a position in the one world government in 30 years... Maybe i do want to change the world... Idk...
(((Aside from that random rant....)))
All kidding aside... it's gonna be an epic 6 weeks... and i just hope i make it through it without any major emotional scars.... things are gonna be tough.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
BPK
It's almost midnight... the new job starts on Monday... and i gotta go shopping tomorrow for some clothes. Overall it's has been an enjoyable few weeks on vacation. In the last week i started driving, decided to take up photography, and a side business based on the new hobby. There's an app out there where you can sell your photos. I bought a nice camera... and have taken some photo's already. I find it interesting thought that of the photographers i know or have heard about, the vast majority of them use photoshop.... heavily. In my eyes it's kinda of a bummer. I think the moment should be captured in it's raw element... and not altered by the human mind. I have a lot of reading to do over the next few months. Technical information mostly. I am looking forward to a new challenge, and solidifying my plans for the next five years.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Friday Afternoon.... July 1st
Today is a good day. |
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Fourth of July weekend. I have a lot going on this weekend, but with no real time table or agenda. I know tomorrow i am going with a friend to a family cook out. It will be interesting because my parents won't be there because they are on vacation. Sunday, there is a pig roast at my cousins bar that i may go to depending on how i fair tomorrow night... and monday, i hope to be a bit patriotic visiting someone deep in the heart of the american forests. I am not yet sure where i want to go monday but i know i want to be disconnected with the world... without technology or any form of "advanced" tools. I want to put myself in the time and place of the people that wandered the woods of New England centuries ago... I want to know what it was like to be "alone and afraid," lost in my own thoughts and getting to some deep truths about myself that i have been conflicted over for a while now. Basically... i want to figure out why i do a rather than b... in a very logical and general sense. Between who i was and who i am... it's hard to determine my motivations sometimes. Often it comes down to a social sense... having grown up on the internet... and her basically being my sole focus for so long... i find that i can't talk to many women... the way i would if it were through a digital source. As if the internet filtering my thoughts some how makes it "ok" to talk the way i do... mean while in normal every day social situations i'm often quiet and keeping to myself unless there is a conversation that i overhear which peaks my interest and i can have something relevant to say.... Or when friends are around... i will converse with them and usually, for the most part, be able to contribute something thought provoking. However... in the groups that i typically see in social situations that are separate groups... the people usually keep to themselves and i keep to myself. Buddhism cause that the "master" because the master is always watching... However... by watching... most often i am made a fool by the fools. It's rather disheartening but it is what it is.
I think a general disconnection from the human race... somewhere foreign and isolated would be really good for me to experience before i head back into work life. i think the deep woods of northern New England would be a good place to head to Monday and i'll probably be back Tuesday or Wednesday. They say only 1/3 of humanity can see the milky way at night... i hope to be a part of that 1/3 if only for a night.
With that being said... I think i'm gonna sign off for the weekend.
Happy Fourth Everyone!
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Fourth of July weekend. I have a lot going on this weekend, but with no real time table or agenda. I know tomorrow i am going with a friend to a family cook out. It will be interesting because my parents won't be there because they are on vacation. Sunday, there is a pig roast at my cousins bar that i may go to depending on how i fair tomorrow night... and monday, i hope to be a bit patriotic visiting someone deep in the heart of the american forests. I am not yet sure where i want to go monday but i know i want to be disconnected with the world... without technology or any form of "advanced" tools. I want to put myself in the time and place of the people that wandered the woods of New England centuries ago... I want to know what it was like to be "alone and afraid," lost in my own thoughts and getting to some deep truths about myself that i have been conflicted over for a while now. Basically... i want to figure out why i do a rather than b... in a very logical and general sense. Between who i was and who i am... it's hard to determine my motivations sometimes. Often it comes down to a social sense... having grown up on the internet... and her basically being my sole focus for so long... i find that i can't talk to many women... the way i would if it were through a digital source. As if the internet filtering my thoughts some how makes it "ok" to talk the way i do... mean while in normal every day social situations i'm often quiet and keeping to myself unless there is a conversation that i overhear which peaks my interest and i can have something relevant to say.... Or when friends are around... i will converse with them and usually, for the most part, be able to contribute something thought provoking. However... in the groups that i typically see in social situations that are separate groups... the people usually keep to themselves and i keep to myself. Buddhism cause that the "master" because the master is always watching... However... by watching... most often i am made a fool by the fools. It's rather disheartening but it is what it is.
I think a general disconnection from the human race... somewhere foreign and isolated would be really good for me to experience before i head back into work life. i think the deep woods of northern New England would be a good place to head to Monday and i'll probably be back Tuesday or Wednesday. They say only 1/3 of humanity can see the milky way at night... i hope to be a part of that 1/3 if only for a night.
With that being said... I think i'm gonna sign off for the weekend.
Happy Fourth Everyone!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Tuesday - Week three... haven't been feeling like myself lately...
Since Sunday, i've kinda felt like shit. Sunday during the day and evening i did a little too much partying and as a result the last two days i've been feeling terrible. I figure it's been a major combination of withdrawals from alcohol as i pretty much drank for two weeks straight.. I don't recommend it really.
There is a time and a place for everything and drinking mass quantities of alcohol was something that was better left at college in my late teens / early twenties... Doing it at this age has serious effects on my mental and physical health. The only silver lining really is that i think i got past the whole "lets party phase" yesterday... today i've been very tired... and run down. The weather today has been mostly cloudy with the humidity very high... the storms are west of us in NY right now and honestly... i'd wish they'd come through the area to kill off some of the humidity.
One plus about today... is I'm cat sitting my cat for the next ten days or so... which is rather nice. I missed my best friend a lot and even though he's a cat... he's a lot more understanding and caring than most of the people i see on a regular basis.
Tonight we are having pork chops for dinner... i am not sure what else we are having with them yet but i figure it will be good.
I am happy overall... i just wish i could break out of this funk... my "typical" tuesday which i've had the couple of weeks didn't happen today... which could be good or bad depending on the perspective. I got my business packet in for A-Bomb's Computer Repair, LLC so thats kinda cool... it means i can start actually marketing my computer services to the general public. I am not sure yet when i will be doing that... just like I'm not sure when i am going to be starting to offer uber rides. Two highly viable sources of income that I'm just not going after for fear that.... idk... just out of fear. The Sun just started peaking out of the clouds... which is a nice thing... still muggy though.
I think my thing is theres one thing i really want to happen and i don't know how to make it happen... ya know. I think if i move out of my current place sometime in the next few months it may help me get back on track in comparison to where i am not. Not that i'm in a bad spot... but i know know that i'm not on course for where i was hoping to be.... Tomorrow needs to be a better day. Sitting around obsessing about something that i have no control over is not working out for me. Honestly... it's "possible" but its beyond my control and really up to fate at this point. Of course... its funny to read my horoscope because it's basically telling me that what i want is right around the corner... but honestly... i don't know which corner or even if I'm on the right street ya know.
But... can anything really be put into horoscopes? i mean... its based on the movement of the planets and if you believe that "everything connected" then yes... a planet millions of miles away is affecting everything and it should be trusted... but really.. which one should i look at... theres at least a couple of dozen on the internet... which one is the "right" one?
any who... i guess thats all for now... i'll write again tomorrow when i am in better spirits.
There is a time and a place for everything and drinking mass quantities of alcohol was something that was better left at college in my late teens / early twenties... Doing it at this age has serious effects on my mental and physical health. The only silver lining really is that i think i got past the whole "lets party phase" yesterday... today i've been very tired... and run down. The weather today has been mostly cloudy with the humidity very high... the storms are west of us in NY right now and honestly... i'd wish they'd come through the area to kill off some of the humidity.
One plus about today... is I'm cat sitting my cat for the next ten days or so... which is rather nice. I missed my best friend a lot and even though he's a cat... he's a lot more understanding and caring than most of the people i see on a regular basis.
Tonight we are having pork chops for dinner... i am not sure what else we are having with them yet but i figure it will be good.
I am happy overall... i just wish i could break out of this funk... my "typical" tuesday which i've had the couple of weeks didn't happen today... which could be good or bad depending on the perspective. I got my business packet in for A-Bomb's Computer Repair, LLC so thats kinda cool... it means i can start actually marketing my computer services to the general public. I am not sure yet when i will be doing that... just like I'm not sure when i am going to be starting to offer uber rides. Two highly viable sources of income that I'm just not going after for fear that.... idk... just out of fear. The Sun just started peaking out of the clouds... which is a nice thing... still muggy though.
I think my thing is theres one thing i really want to happen and i don't know how to make it happen... ya know. I think if i move out of my current place sometime in the next few months it may help me get back on track in comparison to where i am not. Not that i'm in a bad spot... but i know know that i'm not on course for where i was hoping to be.... Tomorrow needs to be a better day. Sitting around obsessing about something that i have no control over is not working out for me. Honestly... it's "possible" but its beyond my control and really up to fate at this point. Of course... its funny to read my horoscope because it's basically telling me that what i want is right around the corner... but honestly... i don't know which corner or even if I'm on the right street ya know.
But... can anything really be put into horoscopes? i mean... its based on the movement of the planets and if you believe that "everything connected" then yes... a planet millions of miles away is affecting everything and it should be trusted... but really.. which one should i look at... theres at least a couple of dozen on the internet... which one is the "right" one?
any who... i guess thats all for now... i'll write again tomorrow when i am in better spirits.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Thursday Afternoon... 6/23/2016
Today is a good day.
It's partly cloudy out right now... the sun peaking in and out every now and then. This morning i did in fact go hiking at arcadia... something that i had been meaning to do for the last week and a half. The lake that i went to was the beach pond swimming area. It was closed for swimming... likely due to high bacteria counts. I bought two bottles of water before i left. I ended up leaving them in the car. The trail system i went on was the "blue" trail. I gotta say... it was fun. I only was there for about an hour. I had streamed music through my phone on the hike. One thing i gotta say... early morning in the forest is like walking through a familiar place in a foreign world. I had gone on the trail a number of years a good with two of my best friends... and after maybe ten minutes, i started to recognize the twists and turns of the path. It basically wraps around a big lake at the location and then.... (me and nightwing are playing that game again ((nightwing is what we named the Robin back in the early spring) .... springs out into the deep woods. Like is said, i only walked about a mile and a half into the trail. I was streaming music and just about when i cleared the lake the stream died because i had no cell signal. So, i put on some of the music from my phone and headed back to the car. At one people i saw a guy on a boat chugging along in the lake... An interesting thing is the fact that on the CT side of lake there were houses built up... but on the ri side of the lake it was a state park. Any who... like i said... once the stream stopped i turned around because i was out of cell range and figured it best if i was with other people to go further rather than going it alone. It's interesting in a way because it's a random fear... i don't know why i was afraid to go further... as if a disconnection for humanity's reach would lead me a stray in a some way. I know... that much further down the trail, probably at the 5 mile mark... there is a very very cool cliff where the earth had shifted at one point and dropped down the area leading up to it by 50-75 feet.. leaving just a cliff and a small trail nearly in the middle of it leading to the top. Before the weekend is over... i will... have climbed to the top of the cliff. Hopefully.. with other people. It's interesting... because when i had gone with my two best friends... we had made it all the way to the cliff.... but fear kept me back from going up the trail to the top... i think it may have been "fear of seeing whats out there" if that makes any sense... A lot has changed since then... i'm not sure where i was living at the time... i was either on my own in cranston or i was in providence.... but... i remember i went over my friends house... he suggested it and i drove.
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It's partly cloudy out right now... the sun peaking in and out every now and then. This morning i did in fact go hiking at arcadia... something that i had been meaning to do for the last week and a half. The lake that i went to was the beach pond swimming area. It was closed for swimming... likely due to high bacteria counts. I bought two bottles of water before i left. I ended up leaving them in the car. The trail system i went on was the "blue" trail. I gotta say... it was fun. I only was there for about an hour. I had streamed music through my phone on the hike. One thing i gotta say... early morning in the forest is like walking through a familiar place in a foreign world. I had gone on the trail a number of years a good with two of my best friends... and after maybe ten minutes, i started to recognize the twists and turns of the path. It basically wraps around a big lake at the location and then.... (me and nightwing are playing that game again ((nightwing is what we named the Robin back in the early spring) .... springs out into the deep woods. Like is said, i only walked about a mile and a half into the trail. I was streaming music and just about when i cleared the lake the stream died because i had no cell signal. So, i put on some of the music from my phone and headed back to the car. At one people i saw a guy on a boat chugging along in the lake... An interesting thing is the fact that on the CT side of lake there were houses built up... but on the ri side of the lake it was a state park. Any who... like i said... once the stream stopped i turned around because i was out of cell range and figured it best if i was with other people to go further rather than going it alone. It's interesting in a way because it's a random fear... i don't know why i was afraid to go further... as if a disconnection for humanity's reach would lead me a stray in a some way. I know... that much further down the trail, probably at the 5 mile mark... there is a very very cool cliff where the earth had shifted at one point and dropped down the area leading up to it by 50-75 feet.. leaving just a cliff and a small trail nearly in the middle of it leading to the top. Before the weekend is over... i will... have climbed to the top of the cliff. Hopefully.. with other people. It's interesting... because when i had gone with my two best friends... we had made it all the way to the cliff.... but fear kept me back from going up the trail to the top... i think it may have been "fear of seeing whats out there" if that makes any sense... A lot has changed since then... i'm not sure where i was living at the time... i was either on my own in cranston or i was in providence.... but... i remember i went over my friends house... he suggested it and i drove.
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It's early....
I woke up this morning to the sounds of my roommate doing the dishes. Rather than attempting to go back to sleep i decided i was going to get up and stay up for the day. It's just before 8:00am right now. On today's agenda.... Hiking. I never did find anyone to go with... but i figure if the thing holding me back right now is a lack of wanting to take a risk... then i should take the risk. I'll probably be back by mid afternoon. It's a little chilly out now. I gotta check the weather to make sure it's not going to rain... and also that it is going to get a little warmer out today, otherwise i'll need to bring a hoodie.
Breakfast this morning was a cup of yogurt, and a glass of milk. I'll probably pick up a couple of bottles of water on my way out of my area. The place i want to go hiking is called Arcadia and it's on the RI/CT boarder. It's a state park with lots of trails.
I'll write more when i return from my travels.
Breakfast this morning was a cup of yogurt, and a glass of milk. I'll probably pick up a couple of bottles of water on my way out of my area. The place i want to go hiking is called Arcadia and it's on the RI/CT boarder. It's a state park with lots of trails.
I'll write more when i return from my travels.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Hump Day...
Today is a good day.
It's mid afternoon an i am sitting out on my back patio listening to macklemore radio on pandora. Overall i am happy. This vacation has been really relaxing and it's preparing me for the next phase of my life. This week is sure to bring something "exciting" and i know... it will be towards the end of the week. I have stopped "partying" this week... instead i'm calming down quite a bit. Today, i woke up relatively early, took a shower, and headed down to my parents. I took my dad for a walk around the Chaffee reserve. we went for probably an hour long walk around the trails. Ended up taking a different trail than we normally do and it put us at the bay in a different area then we normally go down to. It was nice, only probably was that there was a large amount of catapillers that were pretty much destroying all of the trees. They say it's not good to get them on you so we did our best to avoid them. On the way back, i stopped and picked us up lunch. I stayed there for about a half hour before taking off. On the way home i stopped at my cousins bar, had a few glasses of coke and then came home. My roommate will be home in around 2 hours and it looks like tonight we are having burgers. I'm actually looking forward to it as the last few days i've been having Roast Beef for atlas one meal during the course of the day. I think my roommate was starting to get sick of the same thing three days in a row so i can't blame him for wanting something different.
I picked up a six pack of beer on the way home, and another pack of smokes. I'm on my first beer and i don't plan on drinking more than three between now and the time i go to bed. I think next week i am going to go on a road trip. The robin that has been living in the back yard has just come back with what looks like a caterpillar... the fact that she is bringing back food would lead me to believe she just had babies again..... i went inside for a moment to let her feed.....
I am hoping that i can tell quite a few people the same thing over the coming weekend. Basically "hey, lets hang" and actually get decent responses. I also plan on ordering several copies of a book that i've been reading so that i can give them to a few of the people in my life that i know will appreciate it.
I was just talking with my sister for a bit. She's doing well... and is excited for my parents visit next week... I'm excited for both my sister... and my parents. It's been a while since they've seen each other. I refrained from telling her much about how they are... i just want them to have a good time. And providing things are what they seem... i may drive out to visit while they are out there... so all four of us can be together for a couple of days. While.... Colorado is about 4 days drive... it would be well worth it to see make them all smile and surprise the shit out of all of them.
So... the robbin... i confirmed... does have babies again. I saw them poking their little heads up and eating worms when i walked inside a few minutes ago. The summer sun right now is very warm on the right side of my body. On the plus side... I'm getting tan on the other side of the body in comparison to last week. I need to go inside, empty the ashtray, and get another beer....
my roommate should be home in 45 minutes...
i do not yet know what i am doing tomorrow. i am thinking about going kayaking... or hiking... like i've been thinking about for the last week or so... my hopes of finding someone to go with me is coming to an end... i feel the only way i am going to do the things i want is if i actually go... rather than waiting on anyone else to come along with me. It was nice to bring my dad walking through the trails with me today... but i wouldn't really feel comfortable bringing him on a 5 mile hike through difficult terrain
It's mid afternoon an i am sitting out on my back patio listening to macklemore radio on pandora. Overall i am happy. This vacation has been really relaxing and it's preparing me for the next phase of my life. This week is sure to bring something "exciting" and i know... it will be towards the end of the week. I have stopped "partying" this week... instead i'm calming down quite a bit. Today, i woke up relatively early, took a shower, and headed down to my parents. I took my dad for a walk around the Chaffee reserve. we went for probably an hour long walk around the trails. Ended up taking a different trail than we normally do and it put us at the bay in a different area then we normally go down to. It was nice, only probably was that there was a large amount of catapillers that were pretty much destroying all of the trees. They say it's not good to get them on you so we did our best to avoid them. On the way back, i stopped and picked us up lunch. I stayed there for about a half hour before taking off. On the way home i stopped at my cousins bar, had a few glasses of coke and then came home. My roommate will be home in around 2 hours and it looks like tonight we are having burgers. I'm actually looking forward to it as the last few days i've been having Roast Beef for atlas one meal during the course of the day. I think my roommate was starting to get sick of the same thing three days in a row so i can't blame him for wanting something different.
I picked up a six pack of beer on the way home, and another pack of smokes. I'm on my first beer and i don't plan on drinking more than three between now and the time i go to bed. I think next week i am going to go on a road trip. The robin that has been living in the back yard has just come back with what looks like a caterpillar... the fact that she is bringing back food would lead me to believe she just had babies again..... i went inside for a moment to let her feed.....
I am hoping that i can tell quite a few people the same thing over the coming weekend. Basically "hey, lets hang" and actually get decent responses. I also plan on ordering several copies of a book that i've been reading so that i can give them to a few of the people in my life that i know will appreciate it.
I was just talking with my sister for a bit. She's doing well... and is excited for my parents visit next week... I'm excited for both my sister... and my parents. It's been a while since they've seen each other. I refrained from telling her much about how they are... i just want them to have a good time. And providing things are what they seem... i may drive out to visit while they are out there... so all four of us can be together for a couple of days. While.... Colorado is about 4 days drive... it would be well worth it to see make them all smile and surprise the shit out of all of them.
So... the robbin... i confirmed... does have babies again. I saw them poking their little heads up and eating worms when i walked inside a few minutes ago. The summer sun right now is very warm on the right side of my body. On the plus side... I'm getting tan on the other side of the body in comparison to last week. I need to go inside, empty the ashtray, and get another beer....
my roommate should be home in 45 minutes...
i do not yet know what i am doing tomorrow. i am thinking about going kayaking... or hiking... like i've been thinking about for the last week or so... my hopes of finding someone to go with me is coming to an end... i feel the only way i am going to do the things i want is if i actually go... rather than waiting on anyone else to come along with me. It was nice to bring my dad walking through the trails with me today... but i wouldn't really feel comfortable bringing him on a 5 mile hike through difficult terrain
Monday, June 20, 2016
Detox - Father's day - and other things on my mind....
So.. the detox didn't start yesterday, in a way it did... i skipped out on a late night beer even though the temptation was there. I drank mostly water but also had some soda during the course of the day. And... i ended up eating Pizza for lunch and dinner with my Father. I haven't quit smoking just yet.
Yesterday i took my dad out to western connecticut to see so waterfalls on the CT/NY line. It was an interesting ride. Overall I think the talk in the car to and from was a nicer experience than the waterfalls themselves... mainly because my father and i talked for nearly the entire 6 hours of driving. The course took us through the central part of the state and it was nice to see parts of connecticut that i don't normally see. On the way home we drove through Hartford which was a city i had never driven through. Overall it was a good day however i became very sad on the way home from my parents... and well.. once i was home i broke down crying. I love my parents... and it hate to seem my dad in such rough shape... his shaking was bad to say the least. And i know i am only going to have maybe 5 or 10 more good years with him until he can no longer take care of himself... and at that point he will likely no longer talk. I wish there was already a cure for parkinson's.... but unless there is a major breakthrough in the next few years... it may come too late to help his condition. But, like i said... it was a good day overall... and i know he had a good time... thats the important part.
Right now... i am sitting out on the back patio... with the sun beating down on my shirtless back... it's not as hot as it was over the weekend... but i would say it is still very warm out. Today, i woke up... and did the things i said i was going to do... I got up... took a shower... brushed my teeth, ate breakfast, started a load of laundry, and registered my car on uber. It's probably going to take a few days until the car clears their registration process... so i am hoping that i'll be off and driving before the end of the weekend. Once my clothes finish drying, i am running out to the bank to deposit a few checks that i have... and then.. well.. i'm not quite sure. Yesterday on the ride back from CT i ended up finding Arcadia... the route that the GPS used to come home actually took us right through the state park and once we got to route 3 i realized exactly where i was. It's not to far off from a fishing spot that my and my roommate typically go to a few times during the year. So... i know for sure that i'll be going down there at least once this week... maybe twice... once to go hiking... and once to go kayaking. i will just have to figure out a back way of getting down there as i don't really want to go on the highway with my kayak... its not that I'm scared... its just that i've only rode with it on the roof twice and its something i still need to get used to... doing 70 on the highway would make me a little nervous.
The goal for this week... is to relax... become more physically active... try to wake up before 9 am... shower everyday.. eat breakfast every day... limit spending... try to earn some extra money through random ventures... and most of all... have a good time. The time of being negative and depressed has passed... it's time to be optimistic and happy going forward... most importantly... i need to let myself be open minded for anything new and exciting that could possibly come up this week... and hopefully... hopefully... relax about trying to meet people... if people find me interesting enough to want to talk to me... I'm sure they will... and if they don't... so be it. i am hoping that by the end of the week... i will have successfully quit smoking, be it though the patch... the gum... or simply abstaining. This will be a "no alcohol" week... so my normal stomping grounds won't be where i go... i figure your can't get a beer when your out in nature... and well.. when i do stop somewhere for food... i'll just make sure that i order a water... or soda... rather than a beer. And... if I'm bored.. and in need of people to talk to... i can visit my parents. I'm no longer going to be "texting - messaging" people... honestly it seems like i just end up pissing people off in the process. This will mean the end of a few friendships... or (internet friendships) but its probably for the best. Most of the people i text are only in my life through my direct action of reaching out to them... so... theres no point in continuing to try when they don't put forward the same amount of effort. I have... 3 good friends.. and 4 family members that i care about... and right now... thats really all i need. i am getting to old for people that have nothing to offer.
Yesterday i took my dad out to western connecticut to see so waterfalls on the CT/NY line. It was an interesting ride. Overall I think the talk in the car to and from was a nicer experience than the waterfalls themselves... mainly because my father and i talked for nearly the entire 6 hours of driving. The course took us through the central part of the state and it was nice to see parts of connecticut that i don't normally see. On the way home we drove through Hartford which was a city i had never driven through. Overall it was a good day however i became very sad on the way home from my parents... and well.. once i was home i broke down crying. I love my parents... and it hate to seem my dad in such rough shape... his shaking was bad to say the least. And i know i am only going to have maybe 5 or 10 more good years with him until he can no longer take care of himself... and at that point he will likely no longer talk. I wish there was already a cure for parkinson's.... but unless there is a major breakthrough in the next few years... it may come too late to help his condition. But, like i said... it was a good day overall... and i know he had a good time... thats the important part.
Right now... i am sitting out on the back patio... with the sun beating down on my shirtless back... it's not as hot as it was over the weekend... but i would say it is still very warm out. Today, i woke up... and did the things i said i was going to do... I got up... took a shower... brushed my teeth, ate breakfast, started a load of laundry, and registered my car on uber. It's probably going to take a few days until the car clears their registration process... so i am hoping that i'll be off and driving before the end of the weekend. Once my clothes finish drying, i am running out to the bank to deposit a few checks that i have... and then.. well.. i'm not quite sure. Yesterday on the ride back from CT i ended up finding Arcadia... the route that the GPS used to come home actually took us right through the state park and once we got to route 3 i realized exactly where i was. It's not to far off from a fishing spot that my and my roommate typically go to a few times during the year. So... i know for sure that i'll be going down there at least once this week... maybe twice... once to go hiking... and once to go kayaking. i will just have to figure out a back way of getting down there as i don't really want to go on the highway with my kayak... its not that I'm scared... its just that i've only rode with it on the roof twice and its something i still need to get used to... doing 70 on the highway would make me a little nervous.
The goal for this week... is to relax... become more physically active... try to wake up before 9 am... shower everyday.. eat breakfast every day... limit spending... try to earn some extra money through random ventures... and most of all... have a good time. The time of being negative and depressed has passed... it's time to be optimistic and happy going forward... most importantly... i need to let myself be open minded for anything new and exciting that could possibly come up this week... and hopefully... hopefully... relax about trying to meet people... if people find me interesting enough to want to talk to me... I'm sure they will... and if they don't... so be it. i am hoping that by the end of the week... i will have successfully quit smoking, be it though the patch... the gum... or simply abstaining. This will be a "no alcohol" week... so my normal stomping grounds won't be where i go... i figure your can't get a beer when your out in nature... and well.. when i do stop somewhere for food... i'll just make sure that i order a water... or soda... rather than a beer. And... if I'm bored.. and in need of people to talk to... i can visit my parents. I'm no longer going to be "texting - messaging" people... honestly it seems like i just end up pissing people off in the process. This will mean the end of a few friendships... or (internet friendships) but its probably for the best. Most of the people i text are only in my life through my direct action of reaching out to them... so... theres no point in continuing to try when they don't put forward the same amount of effort. I have... 3 good friends.. and 4 family members that i care about... and right now... thats really all i need. i am getting to old for people that have nothing to offer.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Saturday....
The sun... it beats down on me this evening After a wasted morning... breakfast was ok... then from there i went kayaking at lincoln woods. The scenery was nice but the water could have used some help. A decade of over fishing has left the fish that are in there very unhealthy... the water was also a brownish color in most areas... with a lot of dirt in the current so you couldn't see the bottom... even when it was four feet under the kayak. This coming week i plan on doing more kayaking... although... i think i found a spot for my morning walk. Lincoln woods is very close to my house so... i think i will do the loop when i get up monday morning... hopefully tuesday... and maybe by wednesday i will have found another place to go walking... theres always the bike path at the blackstone or the bike path on the east bay... or blackstone blvd... but i've known about those places for a long time... and honestly i'd like to see something different. Friday i went down to carbuncle and saw a small turtle swimming in water in front of where i was sitting. Seemed fitting as turtles had been a topic for part of the week.
I plan on figuring out where arcadia is... i thought it was off 102 but i followed 102 from coventry into west greenwich and i didn't see it along the route. Likely... i'll actually use my phone for directions next time i go down looking for it. From what i remember (i've only been there once) there was a large pond/lake area that you could pull off in and kayak around. Because its close to the boarder not many people go there. There's several trail systems in the area so i figure by the end of next week i'll be going hiking for the better part of a day. I just need to remember to bring supplies (just in case).
Tonight... no solid plans yet. My roommate is watching a movie and like i said... I'm out on the back patio soaking up sun on already burnt skin. I've found that i'm somewhat reverting to an earlier version of myself. I just about given up on all prospects in my life so... thats a good thing. While loneliness gets to me very often... its becoming something that i am used to. I know that if i want to see friends i can go out to various places and see them... the only limit is how much i'm willing to spend in the process. Maybe i'll invite some friends along with me on my adventures next week. I know pretty much everyone has to work... but with that said... who knows... maybe i'll get a bite..... I suggested going to play pool tonight... but i really don't want to go to the pool hall near my house. Honestly... its a shitty place. There is one in providence, and also one in warwick... so maybe one of those. That is if he even feels like going out later. He was kayaking for 6 hours straight and looks a lot worse of than i am. If not i'll probably go to my usual watering hole... and see where the night leads.
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Tomorrow is fathers day and with it i want to do something that is going to make my father proud... more so than just get something for him. I want Sunday - Saturday of next week to be a complete detox... Quit Smoking.... Quit Drinking.... Quit Caffeine.... Quit Fast Food.... Quit Soda.... Pretty much quit everything terrible that i do... and have said i want to quit. I figure next week... again while I'm out of work... i have the time and energy to actually flush out my system and get to a healthy place. It's not that i do the things to much... its just that i can tell that they are to doing me any favors. I mean... i'm 30... and still get acne... incredibly lame ya know. Sure... it might make me look a little younger... but its definitely not attractive on me... i've never gone up to a woman and been like "nice zits" lol ya know. So... yeah... 1 week detox... then i'll see how i feel next saturday... and decide if i feel worse of than i am today... whether or not i'll go back to it all. With that said... I'm still getting my dad a gift... but... i know next week he is going to want to hang out with me a bunch... so hopefully i'll get us both active and healthy... at least for a week.
I plan on figuring out where arcadia is... i thought it was off 102 but i followed 102 from coventry into west greenwich and i didn't see it along the route. Likely... i'll actually use my phone for directions next time i go down looking for it. From what i remember (i've only been there once) there was a large pond/lake area that you could pull off in and kayak around. Because its close to the boarder not many people go there. There's several trail systems in the area so i figure by the end of next week i'll be going hiking for the better part of a day. I just need to remember to bring supplies (just in case).
Tonight... no solid plans yet. My roommate is watching a movie and like i said... I'm out on the back patio soaking up sun on already burnt skin. I've found that i'm somewhat reverting to an earlier version of myself. I just about given up on all prospects in my life so... thats a good thing. While loneliness gets to me very often... its becoming something that i am used to. I know that if i want to see friends i can go out to various places and see them... the only limit is how much i'm willing to spend in the process. Maybe i'll invite some friends along with me on my adventures next week. I know pretty much everyone has to work... but with that said... who knows... maybe i'll get a bite..... I suggested going to play pool tonight... but i really don't want to go to the pool hall near my house. Honestly... its a shitty place. There is one in providence, and also one in warwick... so maybe one of those. That is if he even feels like going out later. He was kayaking for 6 hours straight and looks a lot worse of than i am. If not i'll probably go to my usual watering hole... and see where the night leads.
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Tomorrow is fathers day and with it i want to do something that is going to make my father proud... more so than just get something for him. I want Sunday - Saturday of next week to be a complete detox... Quit Smoking.... Quit Drinking.... Quit Caffeine.... Quit Fast Food.... Quit Soda.... Pretty much quit everything terrible that i do... and have said i want to quit. I figure next week... again while I'm out of work... i have the time and energy to actually flush out my system and get to a healthy place. It's not that i do the things to much... its just that i can tell that they are to doing me any favors. I mean... i'm 30... and still get acne... incredibly lame ya know. Sure... it might make me look a little younger... but its definitely not attractive on me... i've never gone up to a woman and been like "nice zits" lol ya know. So... yeah... 1 week detox... then i'll see how i feel next saturday... and decide if i feel worse of than i am today... whether or not i'll go back to it all. With that said... I'm still getting my dad a gift... but... i know next week he is going to want to hang out with me a bunch... so hopefully i'll get us both active and healthy... at least for a week.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Relaxing on a late spring afternoon....
Nothing really going on at the moment... i've started to leave behind all the shit that has stressed me out so much over the last five years and I'm starting to come to peace with the whole experience. It was a good learning experience overall... i got used to working on a team that respected and appreciated me. It's "day 3" of no work... and honestly... I'm relaxed.. although the restless on the go nature that I'm used to is still in the mix... Tomorrow... when i get up from my overnight sleep... i think i am going to go down to carbuncle pond and hang out for a while... maybe go fishing... maybe bring the kayak too. I really want to get back in touch with my surroundings while i have this time off. Although... anything can happen in a day. I am just hoping that i use this time off for the best result.. and that things work out... just the way i have planned.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
The Life of...
The last 24 hours have been really good! I feel like my future is truly in my hands, and that i have a number of good things going for me. My Plan A.) is sound. My Plan B.) is innovative. And, my Plan C.) still being formulated. In time i guess...
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
I finally slept.
Last night, i went to bed before dark... and must have gotten 7-9 hours of sleep. It was about time. I need to find a better way of getting a good nights sleep that doesn't involve heavy tranquilizers (Prescribed). I am counting down the days until the next great adventure. Yesterday i was dealing with alot of mixed emotions and some critical self thinking. I mean... it's not that im doing bad at this point in my life... almost the complete opposite actually. I have a lot of great things going for me... but a side by side comparison to someone else in my life left me feeling like... im not nearly as... driven... as the other person.
I know i shouldnt compare though... our backgrounds are completely different, so was our education and training. Never the less... it started me to think that i am no where near where i should be. Time will tell ultimately... I may be closer to my goals then i realize... i just need to keep the positive mental thinking.. and good things will happen.. i've already proved that to myself.
I have three weeks off inbetween jobs... i personally wish it was a bit longer than that so i could start working on myself. I feel that the goals i have for myself over the next month are good goals... most of all... i believe they are possible to achieve.
I know i shouldnt compare though... our backgrounds are completely different, so was our education and training. Never the less... it started me to think that i am no where near where i should be. Time will tell ultimately... I may be closer to my goals then i realize... i just need to keep the positive mental thinking.. and good things will happen.. i've already proved that to myself.
I have three weeks off inbetween jobs... i personally wish it was a bit longer than that so i could start working on myself. I feel that the goals i have for myself over the next month are good goals... most of all... i believe they are possible to achieve.
Monday, June 6, 2016
I don't know where my head is at today....
I didn't sleep well... had someones voice in my head all night... my pillows need to be replaced... and i didn't take my pills again.. i think i got an hour of sleep for the second night in a row. oddly enough my grip on reality is still pretty strong.. i'm still trying to process the weekend though.
I took today off because my roommate needed a lift while his car was getting worked on. we went fishing this morning. it wasn't bad. i didn't catch anything but he caught two fish.
maybe I'm aiming to low... maybe i shouldn't settle with what i have in front of me an be more opportunistic and hustle my way to the top. Being content with failure... is nothing to be proud of. Yet, i keep setting myself up for failure and when it happens i get bent out of shape as if i didn't cause it to happen. After this weekend... my standards have been raised.. i see now what success looks like... and that its possible to achieve providing you work hard enough for it. with that said, sometimes things just fall into place. its really odd. but hoping that i win the lottery again to "jump start" my life is bullshit. success comes from trying and not giving up. I gotta get the fight back... i gotta become angry again... i would rather be angry and try to prove all the haters wrong, than let the world walk all over me...
You can't unlearn what you've learned... but you can use it for personal growth. The vault is getting rather full. i don't really understand why people feel comfortable enough around me to open about about their lives... people always have.. in a way.. i feel honored that i am that respected and trusted... at the same time... when you learn something about someone that you never knew it alters ones view of them... they become more real and you begin to understand who they are on a deeper level.
With that said... i've attempted to be an open book... becoming vulnerable to everyone and anyone hoping that someone will take an interested.. see my story and want to learn more. But I'm hung up on the same shit i've been hung up on since i was 22... "my life sucks" "i tried to kill myself" "i had it tough growing up" "women don't like me"... its all bullshit. i mean... i did try to kill myself.. but thats because i needed an out. it didn't happen... i've spent a while trying to get over it but without seeking professional help theres only so far i can go... and trying to use friends as damn psychologists just alienates the friendships and eventually they part ways because they ".... insert shit i don't know here"
My friend said i had a block... which... i completely agree with. i just don't know how to "be worth a yes" truth is my lack of confidence comes from a few years of screwing off and losing my edge... i lost my fight... instead i just sat there mute listening to insult after insult. i don't know why i didn't defend myself... i just know that i didn't and as a result i now lack confidence because i haven't done anything to prove the haters wrong.
They say ones life changes from moment to moment... and what we feed into the moment is what we create for ourselves... So... "make a change" - any excuse i could possibly come up with as to why i am not changing would honestly be complete bullshit.. the reason is because i like my comfort zone.. and while it may be lonely and boring its something that i can openly rely on. So... its time that i step out of that zone... i may crash and burn... i may go mad... but at least i'll be doing it on my terms. This life is not worth living... if one does not take risks... because when looking back years from now... it is the risks that we take that lead us to greatness
I took today off because my roommate needed a lift while his car was getting worked on. we went fishing this morning. it wasn't bad. i didn't catch anything but he caught two fish.
maybe I'm aiming to low... maybe i shouldn't settle with what i have in front of me an be more opportunistic and hustle my way to the top. Being content with failure... is nothing to be proud of. Yet, i keep setting myself up for failure and when it happens i get bent out of shape as if i didn't cause it to happen. After this weekend... my standards have been raised.. i see now what success looks like... and that its possible to achieve providing you work hard enough for it. with that said, sometimes things just fall into place. its really odd. but hoping that i win the lottery again to "jump start" my life is bullshit. success comes from trying and not giving up. I gotta get the fight back... i gotta become angry again... i would rather be angry and try to prove all the haters wrong, than let the world walk all over me...
You can't unlearn what you've learned... but you can use it for personal growth. The vault is getting rather full. i don't really understand why people feel comfortable enough around me to open about about their lives... people always have.. in a way.. i feel honored that i am that respected and trusted... at the same time... when you learn something about someone that you never knew it alters ones view of them... they become more real and you begin to understand who they are on a deeper level.
With that said... i've attempted to be an open book... becoming vulnerable to everyone and anyone hoping that someone will take an interested.. see my story and want to learn more. But I'm hung up on the same shit i've been hung up on since i was 22... "my life sucks" "i tried to kill myself" "i had it tough growing up" "women don't like me"... its all bullshit. i mean... i did try to kill myself.. but thats because i needed an out. it didn't happen... i've spent a while trying to get over it but without seeking professional help theres only so far i can go... and trying to use friends as damn psychologists just alienates the friendships and eventually they part ways because they ".... insert shit i don't know here"
My friend said i had a block... which... i completely agree with. i just don't know how to "be worth a yes" truth is my lack of confidence comes from a few years of screwing off and losing my edge... i lost my fight... instead i just sat there mute listening to insult after insult. i don't know why i didn't defend myself... i just know that i didn't and as a result i now lack confidence because i haven't done anything to prove the haters wrong.
They say ones life changes from moment to moment... and what we feed into the moment is what we create for ourselves... So... "make a change" - any excuse i could possibly come up with as to why i am not changing would honestly be complete bullshit.. the reason is because i like my comfort zone.. and while it may be lonely and boring its something that i can openly rely on. So... its time that i step out of that zone... i may crash and burn... i may go mad... but at least i'll be doing it on my terms. This life is not worth living... if one does not take risks... because when looking back years from now... it is the risks that we take that lead us to greatness
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Broken Promises...
It's kinda become clear, and i answered my own question after a few moments of reflection.
I am not what they think i am, but i'm not that either. It seem's that what was given was a cross roads and whats coming in the next five years is gonna be an interesting set of experiences. Last night, after several meaning "ful/less?" conversations... i couldn't crack a smile... eye contact didn't lead to smiles... and telling my name to someone i sat down next to just lead to feeling like a creep. Parting words didn't make things better. If anything, it alienated the entire group... friends and strangers alike. Tonight i am taking it easy... i have shit to do tomorrow (i had shit to do today but slept through the morning)... I woke up around 2... had a missed text from my uncle saying where to meet him to help his friend move.. completely forgot about that. And also a text from my cousin asking when i would be down to help with her printer. Remembered that, but for some reason last night i held out longer than i should have at the bar as if me looking broken sitting and standing alone would attract someone that would either be a.) curious, or b.) offering an ear while i was lost in thought thinking about something Sean said. "Death or the Happy Dream." Neither happened. Instead i got home at 2am, and passed out for 5 hours... woke up at 7... pissed... and went back to bed. Woke up at 12:30pm... didn't want to face the world.. and slept for another hour and a half. I gotta stop doing this to myself. Right now, i am out on the back patio... listening to Macklemore Pandora... feeling the heat of the sun on my neck... and typing this. In two weeks i leave my job... for a new and different opportunity. I'm looking forward to a disruption in my daily routines. They say it takes 21 days to start a routine... and i know that habits are "Cue - Routine - Reward" from the book "The Power of Habit," so, i am hoping i can create not only many new routines during the 21 days between jobs, I am also hoping i can change my keystone habit, and form some new habits in the process.
thats all for now
-Adam
I am not what they think i am, but i'm not that either. It seem's that what was given was a cross roads and whats coming in the next five years is gonna be an interesting set of experiences. Last night, after several meaning "ful/less?" conversations... i couldn't crack a smile... eye contact didn't lead to smiles... and telling my name to someone i sat down next to just lead to feeling like a creep. Parting words didn't make things better. If anything, it alienated the entire group... friends and strangers alike. Tonight i am taking it easy... i have shit to do tomorrow (i had shit to do today but slept through the morning)... I woke up around 2... had a missed text from my uncle saying where to meet him to help his friend move.. completely forgot about that. And also a text from my cousin asking when i would be down to help with her printer. Remembered that, but for some reason last night i held out longer than i should have at the bar as if me looking broken sitting and standing alone would attract someone that would either be a.) curious, or b.) offering an ear while i was lost in thought thinking about something Sean said. "Death or the Happy Dream." Neither happened. Instead i got home at 2am, and passed out for 5 hours... woke up at 7... pissed... and went back to bed. Woke up at 12:30pm... didn't want to face the world.. and slept for another hour and a half. I gotta stop doing this to myself. Right now, i am out on the back patio... listening to Macklemore Pandora... feeling the heat of the sun on my neck... and typing this. In two weeks i leave my job... for a new and different opportunity. I'm looking forward to a disruption in my daily routines. They say it takes 21 days to start a routine... and i know that habits are "Cue - Routine - Reward" from the book "The Power of Habit," so, i am hoping i can create not only many new routines during the 21 days between jobs, I am also hoping i can change my keystone habit, and form some new habits in the process.
thats all for now
-Adam
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
June 1st... Change
Change, will be the central theme of this month for me. I want (need) to change certain aspects of my life if i plan on things working out long term. My "Solid Foundation" is going to be taking a hit by bills at the end of the month so i need to make sure that my "Solid Foundation" is used for things that it should be used for... ideally, growth. The next few weeks are going to go by quick, and then i'll have about 3 weeks until the new job starts... I have several things i want to impliment during that time frame and with me needing to reframe from certain activities i'll be looking for new items to fill the void. I figure that with a little luck i'll be in good shape.
Personally... the 2 things that i want to do most this month is get active, and quit smoking. The month of May was a great month and i want to follow it up with an even better month this month. Getting active is going to happen whether i want it to or not. Summer is here and it would be a waste if i spent it in doors playing video games. My goal is to start running... start going to the gym on a regular basis... and finally quit smoking after nearly 13 years. I know that if i start running... and going to the gym on a regular basis... i'll be less likely to "want" to smoke... and on my quit date of June 20th... i'll throw on a patch... and never look back. As of now, the second half of the year looks like its going to be challenging in a good way. and for that, i am truly greatful for the new experiences that i will be encountering. I just... Need... to focus... and get my self in a good mental state so that way i am saving money, Learning many new things, and getting ready for the next two years of my life.
Personally... the 2 things that i want to do most this month is get active, and quit smoking. The month of May was a great month and i want to follow it up with an even better month this month. Getting active is going to happen whether i want it to or not. Summer is here and it would be a waste if i spent it in doors playing video games. My goal is to start running... start going to the gym on a regular basis... and finally quit smoking after nearly 13 years. I know that if i start running... and going to the gym on a regular basis... i'll be less likely to "want" to smoke... and on my quit date of June 20th... i'll throw on a patch... and never look back. As of now, the second half of the year looks like its going to be challenging in a good way. and for that, i am truly greatful for the new experiences that i will be encountering. I just... Need... to focus... and get my self in a good mental state so that way i am saving money, Learning many new things, and getting ready for the next two years of my life.
Friday, May 27, 2016
Times are changing....
So, it seems like this weekend is going to be a good one. I'm optimistic and hopeful that one of the things i have been trying to manifest for the last few months will finally come through bigger and better than i can possibly imagine.
At this point i have to tie up loose ends over the course of the next month and get ready for the next great adventure. I am hoping for one thing... have a fall back plan incase it doesnt materalize... and have an emergency plan incase everything falls through. Honestly though.. i know in my heart that what i want the most will come to be very soon. Then... my life will get really interesting.
I heard a bit of sad news about a friends situation last night and it brought up feelings from a time long ago... i see history starting to repeat and while i want to do something to help... i am not in a position to and if i try to help in anyway it could create a codependant situation which is not what i would want. At this point... in that situation... i think it is better to give console from a far and hope for the best. If she truly wants it to work out... it will... she just has to believe there is a silver lining and know that this is only a minor stepping stone on the road to a better life.
Tonight we may have someone coming over the house for dinner, which is cool because generally its just me and my roommate. After dinner, i dont have any concrete plans yet but i do intend on having a good night. We have plenty of beer.. and i recently downloaded Doom on my PS4 and i have yet to try it. If the roommate decides him and his friend are going to watch movies all night, i'll probably head out to the city and see whats going on.
Honestly i am still getting "back on track" from being without my pills for 5 days... 3-4 years ago i couldnt even handle going without for a day or two... so the fact i made it through 5 days without a major emotional breakdown is progress... however it was stupid of me to risk a major emotional breakdown... I'll try to learn from the experience and move forward with a bit more thought when it comes time to my pills running low.
My horoscope says i have money coming to me from a career or venture that i am involved in... I can think of one thing in particular that i am hoping is the source. Time will tell though. Just have to believe it to be true... and it will become true.
Tomorrow... in the morning i do not have much going on. Likely i'll spend the morning cleaning up the house and relaxing. The weather is supposed to be nice so i may try to go fishing. In the evening i have to go into work so that way i can confirm there was no damage from the planned power outage. Sunday i do not have much planned and i believe the heat is finally going to break so that's a good thing... Monday... i am going to visit my uncle and time permitting... may stop by a friends for their BBQ.
I'll write more this weekend if the moment strikes me but otherwise it probably wont be until next week that the next entry gets put in...
My 30th year is already half over... and already so much has changed.. I am Optimistic that the second half of my 30th year will be just as fun and exciting... with changes a plenty... and hopefully... i'll be on track by my 31st birthday.... to start doing what i truly want to do with my life... Become a travel blogger... and travel photographer. If it's in the cards.. and truly what i'm meant to do... then the universe will make it a reality.
At this point i have to tie up loose ends over the course of the next month and get ready for the next great adventure. I am hoping for one thing... have a fall back plan incase it doesnt materalize... and have an emergency plan incase everything falls through. Honestly though.. i know in my heart that what i want the most will come to be very soon. Then... my life will get really interesting.
I heard a bit of sad news about a friends situation last night and it brought up feelings from a time long ago... i see history starting to repeat and while i want to do something to help... i am not in a position to and if i try to help in anyway it could create a codependant situation which is not what i would want. At this point... in that situation... i think it is better to give console from a far and hope for the best. If she truly wants it to work out... it will... she just has to believe there is a silver lining and know that this is only a minor stepping stone on the road to a better life.
Tonight we may have someone coming over the house for dinner, which is cool because generally its just me and my roommate. After dinner, i dont have any concrete plans yet but i do intend on having a good night. We have plenty of beer.. and i recently downloaded Doom on my PS4 and i have yet to try it. If the roommate decides him and his friend are going to watch movies all night, i'll probably head out to the city and see whats going on.
Honestly i am still getting "back on track" from being without my pills for 5 days... 3-4 years ago i couldnt even handle going without for a day or two... so the fact i made it through 5 days without a major emotional breakdown is progress... however it was stupid of me to risk a major emotional breakdown... I'll try to learn from the experience and move forward with a bit more thought when it comes time to my pills running low.
My horoscope says i have money coming to me from a career or venture that i am involved in... I can think of one thing in particular that i am hoping is the source. Time will tell though. Just have to believe it to be true... and it will become true.
Tomorrow... in the morning i do not have much going on. Likely i'll spend the morning cleaning up the house and relaxing. The weather is supposed to be nice so i may try to go fishing. In the evening i have to go into work so that way i can confirm there was no damage from the planned power outage. Sunday i do not have much planned and i believe the heat is finally going to break so that's a good thing... Monday... i am going to visit my uncle and time permitting... may stop by a friends for their BBQ.
I'll write more this weekend if the moment strikes me but otherwise it probably wont be until next week that the next entry gets put in...
My 30th year is already half over... and already so much has changed.. I am Optimistic that the second half of my 30th year will be just as fun and exciting... with changes a plenty... and hopefully... i'll be on track by my 31st birthday.... to start doing what i truly want to do with my life... Become a travel blogger... and travel photographer. If it's in the cards.. and truly what i'm meant to do... then the universe will make it a reality.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Writers block....
I know it may sound foolish to say i have writers block while I'm writing this entry... but... over the last month or so i found i am not writing in my Journal... normally its a way to express my final thoughts on the day but i haven't been doing it lately... I gotta get back into the habit.
I'm having a hard time breathing since i got out of work. It hit 90 here today and it was an air quality alert day.... I really gotta quit smoking. Soon... very very soon.
Fish tonight for dinner, with roasted potatoes and a veggie... Should be good
Time to start a new adventure.
I'm having a hard time breathing since i got out of work. It hit 90 here today and it was an air quality alert day.... I really gotta quit smoking. Soon... very very soon.
Fish tonight for dinner, with roasted potatoes and a veggie... Should be good
Time to start a new adventure.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Sometimes you just gotta let it out....
Right now.... my mind is going through complex chemical reactions that my body is trying to adjust to. The withdrawal symptoms of increased serotonin and dopamine are throwing me for a loop today. Between grinding my teeth... Very fast typing... and not sleeping well last night... i am in the middle of what i can only hope to be a short period of manic thinking and speedy behavior... along with the teary eyed joys of living this moment in time with lots of love around me and in me to give.
Today i made a hard decision as to the future of my life and while i am waiting for feedback from trusted sources... at this point it is really out of my hands into the hands of those people with whom i trust my future.
Things honestly have been fantastic for me since late march and with new prospects and people entering my life each weeks seems to get better and better. Joy has replaced sorrow... People have replaced isolation... and Abundance has finally started to flow into my life after i willed it there for so long without it appearing. My Family is happy... I am Happy.. I really have a lot to be thankful for. Over the years there has been so much heart ache and struggle that i never thought i would see the blue sky again... but there it is... shining brightly on all the land and i can do is well up tears at the magnificent beauty that is life. I am truly greatful for the life that i have. I always have been even if my attitude wasnt always the most positive. I have found through much thought on the matter that the power of positive thinking really can change ones life. I'm grateful for my friends... my family... my work... and most of all you... for people a source of endless hours of therapy.
Today i made a hard decision as to the future of my life and while i am waiting for feedback from trusted sources... at this point it is really out of my hands into the hands of those people with whom i trust my future.
Things honestly have been fantastic for me since late march and with new prospects and people entering my life each weeks seems to get better and better. Joy has replaced sorrow... People have replaced isolation... and Abundance has finally started to flow into my life after i willed it there for so long without it appearing. My Family is happy... I am Happy.. I really have a lot to be thankful for. Over the years there has been so much heart ache and struggle that i never thought i would see the blue sky again... but there it is... shining brightly on all the land and i can do is well up tears at the magnificent beauty that is life. I am truly greatful for the life that i have. I always have been even if my attitude wasnt always the most positive. I have found through much thought on the matter that the power of positive thinking really can change ones life. I'm grateful for my friends... my family... my work... and most of all you... for people a source of endless hours of therapy.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
5/3/2016 - Boom
Today is a good day. As of now, i am waiting for work to start. Today will be a busy day, by choice. I have a meeting right at 8:00am. I feel i've been dealing with writers block lately. Most of the things that i have written in the last month or so were mostly numbers, no actually intelligent sentences. Such is life i guess, my muse is gone so i dont really no where to get inspiration from. That will change soon enough i suppose. Today... i am cutting down on the number of cigarettes i have. I've had 2 so far this morning... and i am going to try to end the day at between 10-15 total. I will be curious to see if dennis sticks to his "i'm not going to smoke" that he said yesterday. At this point i was ready to give up on all the healthy initiatives that i started thinking about last fall.. I felt that it was a lost cause, but a conversation yesterday made me question if it's worth another shot. we'll see i suppose.
Friday, April 29, 2016
The weekend
So, what i thought was a great fix for my car did not turn out to be one. At this point i am a bit bummed about it but i am figuring that i might still take my car in tomorrow to have it checked out in the morning. I skipped my pills last night. So today i am ok. We have people coming over the house tonight to visit. About damn time if you ask me. However... i think i am dropping the act. The whole "good guy" thing hasn't really done me any favors.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Wednesday Night
Today was a bad day. I left work early due to a migraine. My phone rang around 4:30 and it was a VIC so i had to answer it. Now... I'm wide awake with a dull headache. My roommate has a friend coming over in about 15 minutes and i am not yet sure what they are up to. I guess I'm in the middle of the process of maturing because up until a few minutes ago i was trying to come to grips with who i am as a person. I think the "win" triggered an identity crisis and I'm only now starting to shake it off. It would explain why i haven't been able to think straight lately. It would also explain why i keep spending money. Spending money isn't going to solve my problem. Neither is the internet so i should stop looking to google for answers to my problems. Honestly... i think i just need a vacation. Luckily i have one coming up in just a couple of weeks. I just need to keep my goals in mind until then so that way i can actually relax and not stress out while i am out in colorado. I am looking forward to seeing my sister. It will be good to relax and unwind for a week. This weekend i have to take my car in for service. My shocks are making some god awful noise when i go over bumps and thankfully pretty much every road in rhode island is completely shot so the noise is pretty much constant. May starts a new month for me. And with all the hype on the internet about mercury retrograde right now i am starting to think astrology and tarot are complete bullshit. Waste of time and money. It certainly wasn't right today. A lot of things lately seem like a waste of time and money. I am going to do my best to "break the habit" and get my life straight once and for all. There is no "struggle" for now at least. The only thing i can and should be doing is focusing on my goals... saving money... and putting in an honest days work. I would probably be surprised by what would happen if i do those three things and only those three things. I don't really need to socialize with anyone because shallow conversations just dilute the big picture. Maybe i'll spend some time reading tonight before i call it an early night. Dinner is up in the air currently but if i miss a meal it wouldn't kill me.
I will start an exercise routine, i will save money, and i will achieve my goals.
I will start an exercise routine, i will save money, and i will achieve my goals.
Today is a Good Day!
I'm optimistic about the future. Things are on an up swing. My mood the last two days has been one of joy and happiness. I am looking forward to what the day will bring. There is a lot to do so i am looking forward to getting started. For now though... i write :).
Tonight after work i am not yet sure what will be on the agenda. Dennis has a friend coming over so i'll likely try to stay out of his hair. I may head to Blue Grass night tonight for an hour or two just to see who's playing and see some of my bar friends.
Things are going to get very interesting over the next several weeks. I am hopeful that i can keep a promise to my dad. It would be nice. All i need is for the thing that i "need" to happen... to happen... and him and my mom will be in a much better situation. Then... at that point, i'd likely spend the next few days figuring out a plan... and then acting on it. Today i am working on a plan for what i want to do over the next five years. I have my goals outlined... but no plan yet. That will change soon enough.
Tonight after work i am not yet sure what will be on the agenda. Dennis has a friend coming over so i'll likely try to stay out of his hair. I may head to Blue Grass night tonight for an hour or two just to see who's playing and see some of my bar friends.
Things are going to get very interesting over the next several weeks. I am hopeful that i can keep a promise to my dad. It would be nice. All i need is for the thing that i "need" to happen... to happen... and him and my mom will be in a much better situation. Then... at that point, i'd likely spend the next few days figuring out a plan... and then acting on it. Today i am working on a plan for what i want to do over the next five years. I have my goals outlined... but no plan yet. That will change soon enough.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
4/20
It's April 20th 2016. Overall i am feeling alittle stressed out today, but i am sure it will pass. I have two cigarettes left in my pack before i switch back over to the gum. I have the gum in my car, and i feel that I am ready to quit smoking. Infact, i'm just about ready to quit everything. Drinking every weekend is putting stress on me due to the fact that my weight is going slowly up rather than slowly down. Also... i have been getting more and more out of control with the drinking so i feel it is best to put an end to it until a learn a bit more self control.
I finished reading the The Power of Habit. It was a good read and towards the end of the book they touched on Gambling. It was interesting. As for gambling, i truly feel that that has come to an end in my life. I doubled my money overall through the experience so i don't see a need to continue. Anything i do now will just take away from my winnings. I may continue to buy the "big four" in rhode island... but scratch tickets... keno... daily numbers... are all going to stop. Plus i dont plan on going to a casino for a long long time.
Other than that... i figure i will start running. I will give myself at most until next saturday - 4/30 to start going for a jog every morning when i wake up. The trick is to go to bed early enough that when my alarm goes off at 5:10am i actually wake up and get out of bed. Lately my sleeping habits have been a little bad... going to bed after 11:00pm... tossing and turning for another couple of hours... and waking up as late as possible while still getting into work on time. I need to make exercise a part of my daily routine, and it will start with changing my sleeping habits. I figure if i get my 8 ours of sleep in where i am waking up at 5am... then i will have enough time in the morning to do all of the things i would like to do... (Go running, shower, eat, etc..)
Tomorrow will be a good day.
I finished reading the The Power of Habit. It was a good read and towards the end of the book they touched on Gambling. It was interesting. As for gambling, i truly feel that that has come to an end in my life. I doubled my money overall through the experience so i don't see a need to continue. Anything i do now will just take away from my winnings. I may continue to buy the "big four" in rhode island... but scratch tickets... keno... daily numbers... are all going to stop. Plus i dont plan on going to a casino for a long long time.
Other than that... i figure i will start running. I will give myself at most until next saturday - 4/30 to start going for a jog every morning when i wake up. The trick is to go to bed early enough that when my alarm goes off at 5:10am i actually wake up and get out of bed. Lately my sleeping habits have been a little bad... going to bed after 11:00pm... tossing and turning for another couple of hours... and waking up as late as possible while still getting into work on time. I need to make exercise a part of my daily routine, and it will start with changing my sleeping habits. I figure if i get my 8 ours of sleep in where i am waking up at 5am... then i will have enough time in the morning to do all of the things i would like to do... (Go running, shower, eat, etc..)
Tomorrow will be a good day.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Live in the moment.
So... Today is a good day.
I'm waiting for a check to clear in my bank account. I think once that happens i will be a bit less stressed about my situation. Tomorrow is pay day and as of today, I'm basically broke. There are a few things on the agenda for the day and once they are in motion i should have a productive day. I've been having a really hard time focusing on anything for more than a few minutes at a time this week. It could be due to lack of sleep and a general issue with drinking over the past weekend that is still weighing on me today. On my lunch break today i need to run out and grab a pack of smokes. I haven't exercised at all this week even though last wednesday i was really hopeful that i would be starting a new routine. The gas station by my house is now selling nicotine gum... i may pick up a pack at some point this week to see if it is any good, and if it would be helpful for quitting smoking.
I am looking forward to visiting my sister in May, it's only 5 weeks away. I miss her, and since she announced that she is getting married next year i am hoping that when i go out there it will be a good time. No one knows what the future holds but i am hopeful that it will be a happy visit. Last time i saw her i was stuck in my head (WAY) too much.
Loneliness is weighing on me recently. I just want a best friend. Not to say that my friends arn't good people, but sometimes they lack a sense of.... empathy. My roommate has been known to be quite abrasive so i am wondering if and when i should cut the cord and move into my own place. I dont want to do it to soon. Personally i'd prefer to be moving into a house rather than another apartment but time will tell on that one. Maybe i'll start shopping around for an apartment once june hits. I do miss my cat.
I'm waiting for a check to clear in my bank account. I think once that happens i will be a bit less stressed about my situation. Tomorrow is pay day and as of today, I'm basically broke. There are a few things on the agenda for the day and once they are in motion i should have a productive day. I've been having a really hard time focusing on anything for more than a few minutes at a time this week. It could be due to lack of sleep and a general issue with drinking over the past weekend that is still weighing on me today. On my lunch break today i need to run out and grab a pack of smokes. I haven't exercised at all this week even though last wednesday i was really hopeful that i would be starting a new routine. The gas station by my house is now selling nicotine gum... i may pick up a pack at some point this week to see if it is any good, and if it would be helpful for quitting smoking.
I am looking forward to visiting my sister in May, it's only 5 weeks away. I miss her, and since she announced that she is getting married next year i am hoping that when i go out there it will be a good time. No one knows what the future holds but i am hopeful that it will be a happy visit. Last time i saw her i was stuck in my head (WAY) too much.
Loneliness is weighing on me recently. I just want a best friend. Not to say that my friends arn't good people, but sometimes they lack a sense of.... empathy. My roommate has been known to be quite abrasive so i am wondering if and when i should cut the cord and move into my own place. I dont want to do it to soon. Personally i'd prefer to be moving into a house rather than another apartment but time will tell on that one. Maybe i'll start shopping around for an apartment once june hits. I do miss my cat.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Truth...
So... i am shifting my focus. I am no longer going to be caught up in the pursuits of my peers. Drinking, Drugs, and Sex... have fallen out of favor in my mind. Instead, i will look for Success. Strong Connections, and New Experiences. I will be focusing on myself rather than on the hunt.
As far as i am concerned... in time... she will find me.
As far as i am concerned... in time... she will find me.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Reclaiming Personal Power.
I'm in a shit mood today. I didn't want to wake up. I just wanted to sleep. Things aren't better today. If anything they are about the same as yesterday, and yesterday was a pretty shitty day. It could be the fact that i spent Thursday, and Friday night drinking... and the fact that i don't really have friends... and didn't really have the most joyous Easter... i could be the fact that I've been single for a while... or that my career seems to have stalled over the last two years... it could be the fact that my dad is dying of a disease that is incurable... it could be a lot of things....
I know what its not though... its not time to give up. The moment i give up... is the moment i stop trying to improve everything. There have been more bad days in recent memory than there have been good days. And a lot of that has to do with the hopelessness of my situation. I want to be thin... i want to have a girlfriend... i want to have more money... and i want to be happy... and these things are what are weighing heavy on my soul... because i am not thin... i don't have a girlfriend... i don't have a lot of money... and I'm not happy.
I keep asking the question "why me" yet there is no response. I'm waiting for the weather to break, so i can finally get outside and enjoy the weather... but it seems like 40's and rain are all thats in store for the next few weeks.
I know what its not though... its not time to give up. The moment i give up... is the moment i stop trying to improve everything. There have been more bad days in recent memory than there have been good days. And a lot of that has to do with the hopelessness of my situation. I want to be thin... i want to have a girlfriend... i want to have more money... and i want to be happy... and these things are what are weighing heavy on my soul... because i am not thin... i don't have a girlfriend... i don't have a lot of money... and I'm not happy.
I keep asking the question "why me" yet there is no response. I'm waiting for the weather to break, so i can finally get outside and enjoy the weather... but it seems like 40's and rain are all thats in store for the next few weeks.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
The Long Weekend...
So, Easter is this Sunday. Thankfully my work is pretty cool in the sense that i have good Friday off. At this point i am not really sure what i have planned for my day off but, i will figure it out tomorrow when the day arrives. I may (or may not) Visit my parents tomorrow but that is not set in stone just yet.
The adjustments to my pay are starting to go through. I lowered my 401K contribution (down to 1%) and also adjusted my exemptions for my taxes (up to 2 from 0). At this point, it should help with some of the money issues i have been having these past few months. While my main goal should be getting out of debt as fast as possible, instead, the extra money is going to serve as a framework for saving. I figure if i put 10% of my income away every week (into savings), then in theory by the time fall rolls around i should have a decent amount saved up that i can use to pay off my debts. Granted, i'd prefer to have them paid off sooner than later, but in reality putting the money into savings is basically the same as paying them off, except for the fact that they will be paid off once i have the total amount needed to pay of the bill(s).
On the home front, I don't really have to much to report. Things are going well... I've cut down on the number of days that i am drinking. Last week i didn't drink at all during the week and only had 1 beer when i was home (the rest were at a bar when i was socially drinking with friends). I think i am going to continue this trend. It does me no good to be getting drunk every night so i feel it's probably in my best interest to lay off the sauce. I have yet to start working out. Over the last 4 months it has really become a low priority in my life. I am hoping that this will change once April hits. I have all of the tools that i need in order to create a fitness routine that will be both aggressive and beneficial to my well being.
My goals for 2016 are very simple and while in years past i may have said "these are my goals," right now they are truly my goals.
1.) I will get my weight between 200lbs and 220lbs by the end of 2016.
2.) I will reduce my debt by 5,000 and 15,000 dollars by the end of 2016
3.) I will increase my income by 5,000 - 20,000 dollars by the end of 2016
Over the next few weeks i will be putting more effort into making additional income, Eating healthy, Starting an active lifestyle, and managing my money in a more responsible manner. I will, (with newly acquired knowledge) be trying to create new habits, modify existing habits, and find a "keystone habit" that i will be able to use in order create a life that i truly am grateful for. Often times i do get depressed when looking at my situation and this can become a problem in the sense that, it can take a few weeks until i get back on track. Recently this has been happening more often than not and i am going to be trying to take a more positive frame of mind going forward.
The little rewards will help to create the change that i am looking for. "Small wins" as they are called can be the catalyst for big changes in ones life so i am hoping that instead of thinking "we were not meant to walk this world alone" i will be more so thinking "I am walking this world on my own path" and disspell some of the terrible thoughts i have been thinking all winter. One thing to note is that the weather is getting warmer, and the days are getting longer. While it's entirely possible that i may have seasonal affective disorder, i refuse to consider that my depression is anything less than an issue i can conquer.
The adjustments to my pay are starting to go through. I lowered my 401K contribution (down to 1%) and also adjusted my exemptions for my taxes (up to 2 from 0). At this point, it should help with some of the money issues i have been having these past few months. While my main goal should be getting out of debt as fast as possible, instead, the extra money is going to serve as a framework for saving. I figure if i put 10% of my income away every week (into savings), then in theory by the time fall rolls around i should have a decent amount saved up that i can use to pay off my debts. Granted, i'd prefer to have them paid off sooner than later, but in reality putting the money into savings is basically the same as paying them off, except for the fact that they will be paid off once i have the total amount needed to pay of the bill(s).
On the home front, I don't really have to much to report. Things are going well... I've cut down on the number of days that i am drinking. Last week i didn't drink at all during the week and only had 1 beer when i was home (the rest were at a bar when i was socially drinking with friends). I think i am going to continue this trend. It does me no good to be getting drunk every night so i feel it's probably in my best interest to lay off the sauce. I have yet to start working out. Over the last 4 months it has really become a low priority in my life. I am hoping that this will change once April hits. I have all of the tools that i need in order to create a fitness routine that will be both aggressive and beneficial to my well being.
My goals for 2016 are very simple and while in years past i may have said "these are my goals," right now they are truly my goals.
1.) I will get my weight between 200lbs and 220lbs by the end of 2016.
2.) I will reduce my debt by 5,000 and 15,000 dollars by the end of 2016
3.) I will increase my income by 5,000 - 20,000 dollars by the end of 2016
Over the next few weeks i will be putting more effort into making additional income, Eating healthy, Starting an active lifestyle, and managing my money in a more responsible manner. I will, (with newly acquired knowledge) be trying to create new habits, modify existing habits, and find a "keystone habit" that i will be able to use in order create a life that i truly am grateful for. Often times i do get depressed when looking at my situation and this can become a problem in the sense that, it can take a few weeks until i get back on track. Recently this has been happening more often than not and i am going to be trying to take a more positive frame of mind going forward.
The little rewards will help to create the change that i am looking for. "Small wins" as they are called can be the catalyst for big changes in ones life so i am hoping that instead of thinking "we were not meant to walk this world alone" i will be more so thinking "I am walking this world on my own path" and disspell some of the terrible thoughts i have been thinking all winter. One thing to note is that the weather is getting warmer, and the days are getting longer. While it's entirely possible that i may have seasonal affective disorder, i refuse to consider that my depression is anything less than an issue i can conquer.
Monday, March 21, 2016
One Day at a Time
So... my long term goal - Moving to Colorado, is my long term goal. But, as of today i am in no position to be moving so i need to focus on the things i can do today, right now... to improve my life.
I have outlined a set of goals that i want to accomplish this week. It's a simple list and i feel i should be more than capable to achieve them. This week is going to be a tight week overall because i have zero dollars, and a negative bank account. That will change on Thursday... and this will be the last week that my balance goes negative on my checking account. Thursday i am taking a half day because in the afternoon i am getting some dental work done. Friday i have the day off due to the fact that it's good Friday and the plant and office will be closed for the holiday.
My goals this week are simple. Try to create habits... i need to find a "keystone" habit... something that i can create or alter in my life that should... in theory... have a ripple effect on the rest of my life and bring about long lasting change.
I have outlined a set of goals that i want to accomplish this week. It's a simple list and i feel i should be more than capable to achieve them. This week is going to be a tight week overall because i have zero dollars, and a negative bank account. That will change on Thursday... and this will be the last week that my balance goes negative on my checking account. Thursday i am taking a half day because in the afternoon i am getting some dental work done. Friday i have the day off due to the fact that it's good Friday and the plant and office will be closed for the holiday.
My goals this week are simple. Try to create habits... i need to find a "keystone" habit... something that i can create or alter in my life that should... in theory... have a ripple effect on the rest of my life and bring about long lasting change.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
2 Weeks until Spring....
It's March 8th, and at this point winter can't end fast enough. For the most part the winter was spent smiling and laughing but over the last month and a half or so depression has been hitting hard. I am giving up on the "social" networks... I've deleted all of my social networking accounts with the exception of blogger and instagram. At this point i feel spending hours each day watching facebook news feeds and cycling through the women on dating websites is more depressing than well... anything i've done in the last 6 months.
It is time for a refocusing of goals and an adjustment in thinking. My goal for the year is to land a promotion by the end of the year. If i keep up my end of the deal, i dont see any reason why... by the end of May, i dont have a title change to something closer to system administrator.
So... I've been making long term plans since i was 14.... and when i was younger i was a lot better at achieving my goals. I believe this is because on the day to day things that went on in my life... i was a bit distracted from the long term goals that they just happened to happen when i was expecting them to rather than being obsessed with them on a daily basis.
By 2018.... I will have accomplished 3 Major Things in my life.
1.) I will be earning more than $65,000 a year from my Employment
2.) I will have paid off more than $40,000 in total Debt
3.) I will be at or below 175lbs
These are my primary goals for the next two years.
It is time for a refocusing of goals and an adjustment in thinking. My goal for the year is to land a promotion by the end of the year. If i keep up my end of the deal, i dont see any reason why... by the end of May, i dont have a title change to something closer to system administrator.
So... I've been making long term plans since i was 14.... and when i was younger i was a lot better at achieving my goals. I believe this is because on the day to day things that went on in my life... i was a bit distracted from the long term goals that they just happened to happen when i was expecting them to rather than being obsessed with them on a daily basis.
By 2018.... I will have accomplished 3 Major Things in my life.
1.) I will be earning more than $65,000 a year from my Employment
2.) I will have paid off more than $40,000 in total Debt
3.) I will be at or below 175lbs
These are my primary goals for the next two years.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Alternative Sources of Income - Wednesday Morning
I am looking to go into business for myself. The easiest thing i can think of doing is going into computer consulting. Based on the advice a CEO gave me a while ago. "Don't quit your day job," and I don't plan to. This will basically be a secondary source of income. My goal is to work an extra 10 hour a week doing house calls and contract work. A contractor I know that does network cable installation (among other things), Informed me about OnForce a few years back. It's a contracting website where you can bid on jobs. So.. i figure by the end of the month i'll have signed up for the site and start bidding on jobs. Ideally, i'd be looking at putting in the 10 hours over the course of a weekend and then, time permitting, i'll probably expand to more hours.
Contract work in IT pays more than a regular 9-5, for instance i could charge upwards of $65 an hour depending on the scope of the project. While contract work will be the primary (secondary) source of income for my own business, i will likely try to expand by word of mouth as well to do house calls after 7pm during the week. I'm sure this will be a "slow growth" kind of deal.. but any extra money will help. One of the things that is currently preventing me from going down this road is that for the contracting, i will need to have a business setup. Meaning sole proprietorship, business insurance, and a business checking account. I've always been an entrepreneur, from my early days as a kid from selling jokes around the pool for a quarter to running around the neighborhood washing cars.
With that said... i want to have a firm business plan in place before i actually start the venture because if i do it without one i will likely get lost in the process, heaven forbid there is rapid expansion, not having a business plan would pretty much doom me from the start. I have been looking at business plan templates online - and i did create a business plan for Return the Vote, even though it wasnt exactly the best. The one i am looking at to base the business off of is a bit more professional, has better wording, and basically outlines all of the things needed for the plan.
I feel this will be a good step forward in my career... and with keeping my 8-5 i'll be able to use the extra money generated from my own business to pay down debts, put money into savings, and use the surplus to give to organizations and causes that i believe in.
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It's early wendesday morning. Just before 6:30. When i got up this morning (around 4:30) i couldnt fall back to sleep and rather than be lazy i got out of bed and made a cup of coffee. Here it is two hours later and i'm already at work. Today will be a good day.
Tonight, after work... i am going to stop at the market to pick up some things things that we need for the house, food, paper towels, soap.... stuff like that. Providing i am not extremely tired by the time i finish up dinner... i am going to put in an hour or so working out. I've been really disappointed in the fact that i havent been working out lately. I haven't ever really been consistent with it, save maybe when i was in my early 20's... but the goal is to reach 200lbs before the end of the year so i have 40 pounds or so that i need to lose. with just about 44 weeks left in the year, it would be roughly a pound a week until the end of the year. Diet changes (such as no fast food or snacking) will greatly help the cause but without a proper exercise routine i likely would have alot of loose skin around the midsection, back and butt... something i would prefer to avoid.
Spring is just around the corner and with it comes warmer weather, more time outside, and hopefully better moods in general. This winter has been rather depressing. Between getting dumped by my girlfriend in the fall, a major lack of money which lead to less socializing overall... and helping my roommate through his divorce, my moods have been rather down. That will all change very... very.... soon.
Contract work in IT pays more than a regular 9-5, for instance i could charge upwards of $65 an hour depending on the scope of the project. While contract work will be the primary (secondary) source of income for my own business, i will likely try to expand by word of mouth as well to do house calls after 7pm during the week. I'm sure this will be a "slow growth" kind of deal.. but any extra money will help. One of the things that is currently preventing me from going down this road is that for the contracting, i will need to have a business setup. Meaning sole proprietorship, business insurance, and a business checking account. I've always been an entrepreneur, from my early days as a kid from selling jokes around the pool for a quarter to running around the neighborhood washing cars.
With that said... i want to have a firm business plan in place before i actually start the venture because if i do it without one i will likely get lost in the process, heaven forbid there is rapid expansion, not having a business plan would pretty much doom me from the start. I have been looking at business plan templates online - and i did create a business plan for Return the Vote, even though it wasnt exactly the best. The one i am looking at to base the business off of is a bit more professional, has better wording, and basically outlines all of the things needed for the plan.
I feel this will be a good step forward in my career... and with keeping my 8-5 i'll be able to use the extra money generated from my own business to pay down debts, put money into savings, and use the surplus to give to organizations and causes that i believe in.
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It's early wendesday morning. Just before 6:30. When i got up this morning (around 4:30) i couldnt fall back to sleep and rather than be lazy i got out of bed and made a cup of coffee. Here it is two hours later and i'm already at work. Today will be a good day.
Tonight, after work... i am going to stop at the market to pick up some things things that we need for the house, food, paper towels, soap.... stuff like that. Providing i am not extremely tired by the time i finish up dinner... i am going to put in an hour or so working out. I've been really disappointed in the fact that i havent been working out lately. I haven't ever really been consistent with it, save maybe when i was in my early 20's... but the goal is to reach 200lbs before the end of the year so i have 40 pounds or so that i need to lose. with just about 44 weeks left in the year, it would be roughly a pound a week until the end of the year. Diet changes (such as no fast food or snacking) will greatly help the cause but without a proper exercise routine i likely would have alot of loose skin around the midsection, back and butt... something i would prefer to avoid.
Spring is just around the corner and with it comes warmer weather, more time outside, and hopefully better moods in general. This winter has been rather depressing. Between getting dumped by my girlfriend in the fall, a major lack of money which lead to less socializing overall... and helping my roommate through his divorce, my moods have been rather down. That will all change very... very.... soon.
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