Thanksgiving... Day 0

So, with thanksgiving at my parents over, I am back at my house now listing to Jay-Z radio on Pandora. The music is good and it's a bunch of songs that I am familiar with so I am enjoying it. Things have been off to a late start in the way of life changes that I outlined in my previous post. The birthday beer ran out at the beginning of the week but with a newly acquired 30 rack in the fridge; quitting drinking may not happen until the end of the weekend. Smoking on the other hand, appears to be something that I am going to need to make a major decision about sometime in the next three days. Yesterday I bought the Marlboro Midnight Menthol to try it out as its the "new" flavor. It wasn't bad but today I am back to Reds. Seeing as I have the next three days off I figure it's as good a time as any to try and quit, less distractions and less stress overall. I figure I'll make the decision tomorrow and go from there.. Money is tight this week as I had no overtime last week and rent was due. Exercising hasn't happened in a few weeks so I'm kinda lacking in that department. I was caught up in the emotional drama of my mind and it really set me down a negative state of mind. At that point I bought a book that had some interesting points to it but I focused the energy and insight of the book in the wrong direction so now I'm left back at step back.

Today I am grateful for a lot of things... my health, my friends, my family, my job, my car, my ability to learn and adapt, and my intelligence and skills.

With all that said though I don't yet know which direction I am going to go in 2016. Things aren't bad necessarily, but they could be better. I think what I need to focus on over the course of the next month is getting back on track with my mental health. It seems like every other day I am missing my pills and with the alcohol being an almost nightly thing, it's adjusted my thinking. I go through bouts of desperation for some sort of change but I know that its not going to come unless I move my ass and make it happen. With that said, I dont know if it's a lack of motivation that is holding me back, or a general sense of escapism. I know where I want to be at the end of 2016, i just dont know the how. That's pretty much what the book focused on, leaving the how to the force of life and doing what I can each day to maximize it and go for my goals. "The universe will provide for you as long as you stay positive" - That's the general message I've gotten from all of the self help books that I've read in the past year. Well, I'm staying positive for the most part but there is a lot of doubt in whats going to happen over the course of the next year. Part of me says either its gonna be the best year of my life or its going to be a downer overall. I can't wait till January first to make my resolutions; so, I need to really come up with that I want and where I'm going and then just go for it.I want to quit smoking, i want to quit (or dramatically cut down) drinking, I want to get thin, I'd want to earn more money, I'd like a promotion, I'd like to cut down on my massive pile of debt, and I'd really like to meet someone that I have a connection with that's both attractive and intelligent..

If I write for the rest of my life, I'd hope the theme changed over the years. Back when I was 16 I had a very different style of writing than I do now. I suppose these days I am more mature in my writing and, well, have a better understanding of my thoughts. I've learned a lot since high school and I've been in my trade for 12 years but I'm still on the ground floor. I may be very good at ground floor level and be very skilled in many different areas, but I've wanted to move into some sort of management position for quite sometime. That chance was taken away from me at my current place and unless the company expands to the point where we are going to need more techs instead of programmers, than I don't think I'm going to move into a management position at my current job. My goal is to teach others down the line. Every computer problem is unique and different and takes a different set of mental processes to achieve a small victory in the way of solving the problem. Today was just such an occurrence. A machine had been down for a while and yesterday it hit critical mass and i got called in on it to see what i could do. A number of quick thinking decisions lead me to start from scratch with the machine and today. Without any reason or someone asking me to, I went into work and spent an hour figuring out exactly what needed to be done in order to resolve the issue. At this point I think the machine is ready to go and start running but obviously i was the only one in the building at the time so I left it "ready to run." I might be mad for going in on Thanksgiving but the issue had lingered on my mind since leaving work yesterday so I figured: no distractions, no pressure, lets just get it done. That's a philosophy that I've come up with over the years of working on computers. It can be applied to virtually any field of work and well, it works. 12 years of experience and I'd like to start teaching 1-5 year people the skills it takes to work in the computer industry. I guess ultimately that's where I want to go. By the end of 2016, I'd like to be in some sort of position of leadership that allows me to teach others what I know about how to work on and with computers.

Now I just need to come up with a plan to get what I want.

First, I need to explorer possible opportunities at my company. If those aren't available, and dont look like they will be, I need to look outside the company. At the same time, I need to Focus on what I want my personal life to be like. Right now, I have a lot of acquaintances but I'd prefer to expand my circle of friends. A lot of people have come and go in my life and personally I like to be social. I like having groups of friends around talking and exchanging ideas. Right now though I don't have that. All I really have is the memory of what was, the comparison to what is, and know that I want to be somewhere in between. Not exactly the same situations, but if nothing more, new experiences. There's only so many times I can go to a new bar and have the same conversation with the same people. The topics that I could go on for hours about have been muted for mediocrity. I think I will make the social life a focus of late spring / early summer. From now until then, I really need to focus on getting back on track with my mental and physical health. It's uncomfortable just sitting in this chair and writing. My posture is all wrong, but when I attempt to get into the right posture my damn fat gets in the way. If I actually sit up straight my back hurts from the pull of gravity on the front of my body. Overall it's kinda shitty to be a fat guy at 30. I have a gym membership, p90x, and well, a gym setup in the basement. All of the things that I said I needed to start exercising but honestly right now it's a time restraint. I literally can't wake up early due to the pills. This poses the question of: Do I need the pills? The answer to that is more complicated than you can image so lets just say yes, I still need the pills. So if I can't wake up early then I have to go to bed early; something that I was doing early on in living here but over the past month or so I've been going to bed later and later. I gotta work on that. I did buy a real alarm clock this week because I've slept through my phone alarm for the last 5 weeks. I am hoping I might be able to set it for 5am and actually get up. Then, I'd have enough time to work out in the morning, eat a good breakfast, shower, shave, brush my teeth, throw on deodorant and go about my day without the fear of "smelling" as the day goes by. Then, ideally, I'd hit the gym for 30 minutes doing some cardio and then head home, have dinner, and relax for the 3-4 hours I stay awake before going to sleep. I'd prefer to get 7 hours of sleep instead of the 9 hours my body has gotten used to... maybe I'm depressed.

That seems like a good plan. First half of the year, focus on improving my overall mental health, my overall physical health, and my social life. Then the last half of the year, keep an open ear for leadership positions that involve teaching computer skills. I think if I focus on one at a time rather than all at once. I'd be in a much better position to achieve my goals rather than continue to start and stop on the road to progress.

Going through Changes....

Well... its official. I am 30 now. My birthday went well aside from not remembering the end of the night. Coming up over the next month or so i have a lot of changes. Basically its things that i had wanted to do for a while but will now be using my birthday as the catalyst to change. Before the end of November, i hope to quit smoking cigarettes completely. It's been 12 years since i started smoking and aside from the fact i really cant smell anything... I'd like to be able to breathe better again. Going to bed for the last couple of years and hearing what sounds like tar bubbling as i breathe in and out as weighed heavy on my mind. Not something i truly like and i know the only solution is to quit smoking all together. Along with smoking... i hope to greatly reduce my alcohol consumption. No more drinking like im in my 20's I figure the easiest way to do that is to cut down the number of days that i drink. As it stands i've been drinking virtually 5 days a week for the last few months so if i can cut that down to "just weekends" that will be a great improvement. On top of that, I need to cut down the amount i drink on any given drinking episode. If i can cut down from 6 to 3 beers... Shots to no shots... and wine to no wine... it will be a dramatic improvement over where i was at just a week ago.

Education is going to be something that i focus on for the next five years. I'm 30 without a college degree and i figure if i can take the time and put in the effort with my current schooling (CTU) then i might be able to get my associates in under 2 years... then.. from there.. i work on getting my bachelors... and if i feel motivated enough... by the end of the 5 years i should be mid way through my masters. I figure im still young... and if i dedicate the next 5 years to education then maybe by the end of ten years... i'll have a phd in a field of my choice. What the field is im not sure at the moment... but i know my associates is going to be in Business... and we will see what my bachelors has in store for me. Aside from formal schooling... I am going to make on the job training a primary focus of my work. I have a set of online courses available to me for atleast a year.. so i need to make the best use of it and hopefully get as many computer certifications as possible. Also... i plan on reading plenty of books to give me a well rounded education.. from science to fitness.. to philosophy and psychology. I have always been smart... i just havent always used my mind to the best of its abilities.

Work is going to be a primary focus for a long time. The goal is to improve and grow with the company so hopefully while at work... i can remain focused on the goals of the company and do what i can to save the company money, as well as improve on the processes that need improvement. I need to become more proactive in my role as a network tech rather than being so reactive to the day to day emergencies.

Lastly... mental and physical health are going to figure prominently in the next 2 years. i am getting new doctors now that i have moved so i figure its time to start taking care of me. starting on the first of the year i need to find a dentist... it's been 10+ years since i've seen one so i need to be prepared for any and all bad news they may have for me in terms of my oral health. My mental health doctor is changing in the next two months so i am hoping that i get along well with whoever the new doctor is. Physically though...i am out of shape and i need of a repair job that could easily take the better part of a few years. My mid section and my chest are seriously in danger of a whole host of health problems so i am hoping that with a new diet and exercise routine... that they will start to show improvement over the course of the next three months... then.. continue the routine through the winter and spring and hopefully by next summer i'll be down atleast 20lbs and i'll be in a better place during the more active summer months.

All and all my 30's are going to be a time for change... i refuse to believe the "its all down hill from here" philosophy and instead im looking at it as 30-45 is my prime... so i better make the most of it. 

2 days... and counting

So... its finally here. I turn 30 this coming friday. There has been a bit of joking about my birthday being on a Friday the 13th, but really its happened in the past. turning 13 on friday the 13th was a bit cooler.

I come sliding into my 30's on my knees, bent over a set of unimaginable circumstances considering how i started my 20's. I would feel that i have matured a bit. I am not so caught up on the little things anymore... and my views on love and life have become a bit jaded due to some of the things that i have gone through. Overall though, it was a good ten years.

My life now is not what i would like it to be. There are many positives in my life... but the self doubt and self criticism of failing numerous times at many different things, has left me damaged. I hope to spend the next year working on several aspects of my physical and mental wellbeing. I need to make improvements now so that in the coming years i am better equiped to had the stresses of the day, as i can only assume they become worse as you get older. Inner peace.... its often thrown around but for a mind that is constantly in motion its something i hope to obtain sometime in the future.

My mental health has been steady lately... typically in and out focus during the busy times and a curious wonder during the slow times. I find i am becoming increasingly bored when i am at home... and my typical "head out to meet people" wont fly this time around due to budgetary constraints. I need to become comfortable in my new environment. Something that will only happen with the right amount of effort and time. The notion of keeping busy... is good... but it can be bad at the same time... i dont want to lose sight of the end game because if i do i fear a repeat of some of my darkest hours.

My physical health leaves much to be desired... I've been over weight since i was 23 and with the constant inhalation of cigarette smoke it leaves my body screaming for mercy. But... its nothing that i didn't consciously do to myself. what was orignally a defense mechanism for a dark truth... became an all consuming force. and now i need to repair the damage that took place over the last few years. I am quitting smoking on my birthday... and i am going to remain sober that day. No more drinking like im in my 20's, that shit will kill ya.

I'll try to write monthly from now on... More if i feel inspired or there is something major to report. As it stands now... i have roughly 6-9 months worth of work to do on my physical well being... about 1 year on my financial front... and hopefully... less than 5 years to work on my mental health. Things are not what i want them to be... i expected to be married, with a kid, and a house and a good job. I have the job... and technically im living in a house even though it isnt mine... but the goals i really wish i had accomplished were the wife and kid. With that said though... if it isnt in the cards... theres nothing i can do about that.

My Focus... in my 30's... will be:

Financial Stablity
Mental Strength

and

Physically ability

First you get the money... then you get the power... then you get the women. - Scar Face

T minus 2 months....

So... It's October 3rd and in 41 days i turn 30... Eek. I am not really on course for where i would like to be so at this point i need to do a reassessment... and... thats what i plan to do today.

Two months to go....

So.. things have definitely taken a direction that was probably unexpected when I made my first post. I've moved since the last time I wrote... I am a lot closer to work which I am quite happy about. I am still settling into my new place and have to do and buy a few things to make it "comfortable" but at this point it looks like I am going to be living at the new place for at least a year, with the option to renew after every year. The potential total of living at the new spot is roughly 5 years... By that point I hope to have enough money in savings so that I can buy my own place, Preferably a 3 bedroom home. That way my parents are able to move in with me and they can retire in a home rather than living in an apartment during their retirement.

This weekend is sure to be fun... Tonight I have a friend coming over to have a few drinks and hang out... maybe play some card games. Tomorrow I am getting my cat back (YAY!!!) I didn't want to move him while things were still up in the air so it seems that now that I am settled in I can move him without a problem. Also tomorrow I am going to go see one of my cousins to help her with some computer issues. Sunday (hopefully) I am driving out to CT to go see my girlfriend and hopefully spend the day with her. I haven't seen her since last Friday, and I am actually kind of missing her.

So... my 30th birthday comes up in just over two months and I am planning on doing something special. My mom and I had a plan to go to atlantic city over the course of the birthday weekend and my uncle decided he wants to tag along. I am probably driving there (6 hours away). And we will likely be spending the night. It should be a good time. I'll have about 500 to take with me so figure 150 for gas, tolls, and food... and the other 350 for playing. I'm hoping I'm lucky that weekend because if I could come away with a few extra bucks... or atleast pay for the room and other expenses from my winnings i'd be quite happy.

Things that are going on this month include... Figuring out a diet plan. Figuring out an exercise plan. Trying to create a daily routine that includes all forms of hygiene (i'm schizoaffective and sometimes hygiene isn't high on my list). Figuring out a budget for October. Attempting to quit smoking (Target date October 1st). Cutting down on drinking (this week was an exception, but im hoping to cut down to just Friday and Saturday).

Change is in the air....

As it stands today, i am 29 years old... I turn 30 in November... I have a nice girlfriend... a nice car... a good job... and im going to be moving in a couple of weeks. My taste in music varies greatly.. I typically like Sci-Fi and Comedy.. I'm SchizoAffective, Have social Anxiety, I'm over weight... i smoke and drink... and overall i cant complain about life.

The purpose of this blog is to track my progress... the ups and downs of life in my 30's. While im not there yet... its just around the corner and i am hoping for several things to happen over the next few years... I'm hoping for a promotion... hoping to lose weight... maybe settle down with my girl... buy a house... and who knows.. maybe and produce a little mini me. But these are all things that will come in their own time.

Some of my interests include... science, computers, philosophy, religion, and politics... Basically all the things you shouldn't talk about in polite company. Overall... Today... i am happy. I havent always been... i've been down many dark roads waiting for the light to break over the horizon and i feel that dawn has finally come. I have many good friends... and a great family.

When i was 22 i attempted suicide (sorry to get deep)... Luckily for me i failed... because the rebuild process may have taken many years... but i feel i am at a better place in my life than say... when i was 21.

Life with schizoaffective disorder has been hard... but all in all its just a pill i have to take at night and then i go on with my life. anxiety kept me quiet for a long time after the attempt... but with the right medication and a bit of challenging myself to be more social... i can now meet strangers with little to no issues... and generally people atleast fake that they enjoy talking to me... because when i see them again they are quick to start up a conversation about current events which is something i like talking about the most. Small minds talk about themselves... normal minds talk about others... great minds talk about ideas and concepts. i think someone important once said that.

Over the course of the the next month or so i will be moving in with a friend of mine until he decides to sell his house. It's really a convenient situation for me... i just wish i came on better terms. With that said... if the deal falls through... which i should know in the next few days... i'll proposition another friend of my to she if she wants a roommate because her roommate is going to be out by the end of the month also so she is going to be looking for a roommate. Either way i am going to be moving out of my parents apartment and onto the rest of my life. Things are going to be a little chaotic for a short time while i settle into my new living arrangements... but once that passes i hope to be taking directions to improve my overall health and improve my life. I would like to cut down on my drinking over the next year... cut down on the smoking completely within six months... and get to a manageable weight within 2 years. I'm 5'8, 245lbs and while i carry myself well... the weight takes a toll on my body. I haven't always been this big... as a teenager i was about 170-190 with my lowest weight ever being when i was 22 at 140 lbs... with that said though... i was very sick and skin and bones pretty much. this time around... i want to take the 245 pounds and turn it into 180 pounds of solid muscle.

Like i said... the purpose of this blog will be to track life in my 30's... i wont typically get into to much detail about day to day things unless something that happens on a given day is important enough to note... instead its going to be for a general release of thoughts on given topics and dilemma's that come up and basically a way that i can track progress over the 10 year span to see if i am meeting my goals. Talk is cheap and its easy to write so hopefully the actions and efforts that i put forth will pay off.. With that said, i likely wont be writing hear until november rolls around and the big day comes. Till then... have a pleasant fall