So... I am going sober for the month of August. This... really is something that's going to happen. It's 10:10... sunday, july 31st. I am basically going to burn the rest of the bridges... and move on in my life. Things haven't been good this past month... There was a problem that reemerged that i am not around of... I took steps today to rectify the problem... but that doesn't undo the damage it did. I assume full accountability for where i am tonight... and playing the victim was always something i was good at but i didn't really understand how much negative thinking and pointing fingers was really causing my situation to get worse... Really.. i am to blame. My choices and my actions put me in the situation that i am in now and the only person that can pull me out of it is me. There is no point in attempting to "fix" things by some magic number that may or may not exist and fix all of my financial problems... leading me to bigger and better things. The honest truth is that the bigger and better things are already here... and if i don't value the experiences that i'm having now that it's not worth continuing. I went to a bar and saw a friend and had a "last beer" with her... now... I'm finishing off the last two smokes i have in my pack. I don't know what the future holds... but its better than wishing i could change the past. So at this point i am taking back control... getting in the "healthy" habits that i want to form.. and i am taking advantage of a situation that will be fruitful if i apply myself properly. There are many excuses and things i've said over the last several years for why i am in the situation i am in and honestly... they were just excuses. I think i know why i've gone down this path and i know that i can fix things if i really want to.. i just have to put in the hard work and dedication...
wasting time feeling sorry for myself.. or telling myself the "taboo" sentence that for a brief sentence seems like it would "solve my problems" and end the cycle itself.... has only brought me down. A small part of someone dies every time they think about suicide... and honestly... its one of the hardest feelings to shake once i get on that frame of thinking. It's a silent struggle really... many people out there deal with it... they just don't talk about it. With that said... i need to end the habit of self destruction.. and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose. The people i've met over the last several years have taught me a thing or two of life... and the people that left my life.. did it because i was on the wrong path... i don't blame them... and the obsessive mind often thinks about them.. but i know that if i ever want to see any of them again... i need to care for myself first.. and if they are meant to come back into my life... they will... in their own perfect time.
Tonight is probably going to be a long night... i'm kinda at the cut off point for taking my pills... which means insomnia... tossing and turning all night... with extremely vivid dreams... i probably won't fall asleep until 4 or 5... even though i'd rather fall asleep by 11... then... when the alarm goes off at 6... i'll be wide awake and wondering why the hell i did this to myself (again). Such is life though...
Tomorrow... when i do finally get out of bed... I'm going to shower, shave, brush my teeth, use mouthwash, whiten my teeth, and then throw on a nicotine patch... Then... i will get dressed... eat breakfast... and head into work... At work i'll learn very interesting and technical concepts that i'm aware of but don't have a full understanding of... and then when i leave work... i'll drive home, Cook dinner, and work out for an hour... then i'll study the exam materials for another couple of hours... then go to bed... and basically repeat the pattern all week... until friday night... when the pattern will break for the weekend... and I'll be doing a new "weekend habit" and in four weeks.. the habits will have formed into a routine... and that routine... will run my life for the next 6 months.. until winter is in full swing... and i'm really in a good spot physically... emotionally... and financially.. Then taxes will be due... and i'll have to start back at zero financially... and i will rebuild better than i had been previously... In May i'll take a vacation... and again in august.. At some point i'll be moving... and that will shake things up for a couple of weeks... but it will just help to ingrain the habits even more... until someday soon... i have a new keystone habit... and it will be the foundation for the rest of my life.
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