I didn't sleep well... had someones voice in my head all night... my pillows need to be replaced... and i didn't take my pills again.. i think i got an hour of sleep for the second night in a row. oddly enough my grip on reality is still pretty strong.. i'm still trying to process the weekend though.
I took today off because my roommate needed a lift while his car was getting worked on. we went fishing this morning. it wasn't bad. i didn't catch anything but he caught two fish.
maybe I'm aiming to low... maybe i shouldn't settle with what i have in front of me an be more opportunistic and hustle my way to the top. Being content with failure... is nothing to be proud of. Yet, i keep setting myself up for failure and when it happens i get bent out of shape as if i didn't cause it to happen. After this weekend... my standards have been raised.. i see now what success looks like... and that its possible to achieve providing you work hard enough for it. with that said, sometimes things just fall into place. its really odd. but hoping that i win the lottery again to "jump start" my life is bullshit. success comes from trying and not giving up. I gotta get the fight back... i gotta become angry again... i would rather be angry and try to prove all the haters wrong, than let the world walk all over me...
You can't unlearn what you've learned... but you can use it for personal growth. The vault is getting rather full. i don't really understand why people feel comfortable enough around me to open about about their lives... people always have.. in a way.. i feel honored that i am that respected and trusted... at the same time... when you learn something about someone that you never knew it alters ones view of them... they become more real and you begin to understand who they are on a deeper level.
With that said... i've attempted to be an open book... becoming vulnerable to everyone and anyone hoping that someone will take an interested.. see my story and want to learn more. But I'm hung up on the same shit i've been hung up on since i was 22... "my life sucks" "i tried to kill myself" "i had it tough growing up" "women don't like me"... its all bullshit. i mean... i did try to kill myself.. but thats because i needed an out. it didn't happen... i've spent a while trying to get over it but without seeking professional help theres only so far i can go... and trying to use friends as damn psychologists just alienates the friendships and eventually they part ways because they ".... insert shit i don't know here"
My friend said i had a block... which... i completely agree with. i just don't know how to "be worth a yes" truth is my lack of confidence comes from a few years of screwing off and losing my edge... i lost my fight... instead i just sat there mute listening to insult after insult. i don't know why i didn't defend myself... i just know that i didn't and as a result i now lack confidence because i haven't done anything to prove the haters wrong.
They say ones life changes from moment to moment... and what we feed into the moment is what we create for ourselves... So... "make a change" - any excuse i could possibly come up with as to why i am not changing would honestly be complete bullshit.. the reason is because i like my comfort zone.. and while it may be lonely and boring its something that i can openly rely on. So... its time that i step out of that zone... i may crash and burn... i may go mad... but at least i'll be doing it on my terms. This life is not worth living... if one does not take risks... because when looking back years from now... it is the risks that we take that lead us to greatness
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